


The Core Four Squad

by stardustandswimmingpools



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe where Jason Blossom didn't die & everything is normal, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Broadway References, Cheerleaders, Coming Out, Dog Mentions, Drive-Ins, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Female Friendship, Gen, High School, Jeremy Jordan - Freeform, Lesbian Character, M/M, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Musicals, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pop Tate's Chock-Lit Shoppe, Shakespeare Quotations, Smash - Freeform, Texting, alternate universe - literally everything is different, aroace character, group chats, hbic, i think that's how you spell it, mutual breakup, my kids are so weird, no one is straight anyway, not literal soulmates but theyre still soulmates, so much gay, sort of, the extra with the yellow shirt in the background of a scene from avengers, there will be an increasing amount of broadway references, veronica and jughead as grudging friends, well. 'normal'
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-09-23 19:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9673703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustandswimmingpools/pseuds/stardustandswimmingpools
Summary: hey, look, I was That Guy™ and made a group chat fanfic for these nerds. More characters, relationships, and tags will be added as it progresses. There's gonna be a semi-plot to this, swear. Rating for language.bettyboop:hEY HEY HEY WEIRDOSbettyboop:there’s a new girl





	1. enter: veronica

**Author's Note:**

> This is in a universe where there was no murder and no Ms. Grundy because she's a fucking creep who can dig her own grave and then lie in it. Anyway it's basically just life & times of the core four in Riverdale, with guest appearances from literally everyone, in group chat form.
> 
> usernames (if they weren't clear lol):  
>  **bettyboop** \- betty  
>  **archiekins** \- archie  
>  **jugjones** \- jughead  
>  **veronica** \- hmmm i wonder

_Saturday_

_New text from **bettyboop** to  **weirdo squad**_

**bettyboop:** hEY HEY HEY WEIRDOS

 **bettyboop:** there’s a new girl

 **archiekins:** i know that, betty, i was @ pop’s w you

 **bettyboop:** WHATEVER, i’m telling jughead

 **jugjones:** i literally dont care

 **bettyboop:** youre all boring

 **bettyboop:** her name is veronica

 **jugjones:** cool, i don’t give a fuck

 **bettyboop:** dont be rude

 **jugjones:** have u literally ever met me

 **archiekins:** she’s pretty

 **bettyboop:** she’s bisexual

 **archiekins:** shes what now

 **bettyboop:** she told me

 **bettyboop:** in my MIND

 **jugjones:** so youre a fucking psychic now

 **bettyboop:** my gaydar was off the charts man

 **archiekins:** well MINE wasnt

 **bettyboop:** well YOURS is kind of the shittiest thing ever SO

 **jugjones:** that’s true

 **jugjones:** you didnt know betty was a lesbian until you caught her making out with that other girl

 **bettyboop:** lmao you dont remember her name

 **jugjones:** you do?

 **bettyboop:** not even a little bit but u dont forget stuff

 **jugjones:** you didnt tell me her name dumbass

 **archiekins:** JUST BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW BETTY’S A LESBIAN SUDDENLY MY GAYDAR DOESNT WORK

 **jugjones:** no but your gaydar isn’t as powerful as hers because she is a True Gay and you are like……..A Partial Gay

 **archiekins:** how the fuck dare you

 **bettyboop:** no he’s right

 **bettyboop:** i love u but no ,, a lesbian has a stronger gaydar than a bisexual person

 **jugjones:** and my gaydar only works perfectly because 1. not obstructed by hormones and 2. i’m observant as all fuck

 **archiekins:** this is unfair

 **archiekins:** what if i meet a hot guy and i dont know if he’s gay bc i think he is but i dont know if my gaydar is working?????

 **jugjones:** if you manage to find one (1) hot guy in this whole town that isn’t a total assface, i’ll be astonished

 **archiekins:** myself

 **jugjones:** self-cest is disgusting

 **jugjones:** also, arguable on the not-an-assface requirement

 **archiekins:** fine, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, ASSHOLE

 **bettyboop:** LISTEN YOU FCRAZIES

 **bettyboop:** IM PUTTING RONNIE IN OUR GC OKAY

 **archiekins:** what????????? since when do u have nicknames????????? since when have you even SPOKEN?????

 **bettyboop:** since she gave me her phone number

 **bettyboop:** further proof that she is definitely Not a Het

 **jugjones:** just like this entire fucking godforsaken chat

 **jugjones:** why am i even here

 **bettyboop:** love, kindness, friendship and solidarity?

 **archiekins:** spite

 **jugjones:** archie u know me so well

 **archiekins:** thanks

 **bettyboop:** ANy way s she’s hot so be nice

 **bettyboop:** deliberate coughs towards jughead

 **jugjones:** im always nice

 **bettyboop** has added **veronica** to the chat

 **bettyboop:** welcome veronica these are my friends archie and jughead

 **archiekins:** hello im archie we met at pop’s

 **jugjones:** hello that’s archie you met at pop’s

 **veronica:** i see you all have clever usernames . how ever, creativity is dead in new york

 **jugjones:** you what

 **veronica:** joking i just like my name

 **veronica:** anyway youre jughead??? heard a lot about you

 **jugjones:** what the fuck did you even tell her betty

 **bettyboop:** NOTHIN gG

 **veronica:** joking again i dont know any of you people

 **veronica:** you seem pretty legit tho

 **bettyboop:** this chat’s alternate title is The Gays

 **veronica:** EXCELLENT

 **veronica:** i fit right in

 **archiekins:** im not gay

 **veronica:** boring

 **archiekins:** wow, rude,,, im bi,

 **jugjones:** me 2 but better

 **archiekins:** jughead is bi-ace and he thinks it makes him superior

 **jugjones:** it does. i am god, king of all. hence my crown

 **jugjones:** which my hand and foot servant, archie andrews here, knitted for me

 **archiekins:** i am not your servant shut the fuck up

 **bettyboop:** welcome to riverdale ronnie

 **veronica:** thanks, can i jump on this gay train and say im bi as well?

 **bettyboop:** TOLD YOU BITCHES

 **bettyboop:** im a raging lesbian so. hello

 **veronica:** i think we’ll get along grandly

 **archiekins:** she just said grandly

 **veronica:** it’s a word, i have rights

 **jugjones:** i like her

 **bettyboop:** thank jesus

 **veronica:** i dont know you at all so ill take that with a grain of salt but aright

 **bettyboop:** u know what

 **bettyboop:** we have to go to pop’s

 **jugjones:** no

 **bettyboop:** tf do you mean NO

 **jugjones:** exactly what you think

 **archiekins:** you cant keep people out of pop’s jughead we talked about this

 **jugjones:** WHATEVER we have to sit at a different booth than usual tho

 **jugjones:** so new girl doesnt dirty my booth

 **veronica:** i thought you liked me??

 **archiekins:** jug has a strange way of showing he likes people

 **bettyboop:** e.g. insulting them

 **archiekins:** you get used to it

 **veronica:** whatever when i walked into pop’s i smelled burgers & heaven & im p sure theyre the same thing so i’m down

 **veronica:** betty pick me up ?

 **bettyboop:** wait u mean like right now

 **veronica:** are you doing anythign better

 **bettyboop:** guess not

 **veronica:** it’s saturday, so obviously me neither

 **jugjones:** archie  i would love to pick you up but i would actually hate that and also im already AT pop’s so

 **archiekins:** charming

 **veronica:** do you live there or something

 **jugjones:** yes

 **veronica:** then why, the one time i went in there, were you not there

 **jugjones:** bathroom break

 **veronica:** oh

 **jugjones:** gotta get up earlier in the morning than that to get one over ol jughead jones

 **veronica:** your name is so peculiar

 **jugjones:** thanks

 **archiekins:** his real name is forsythe

 **jugjones:** I TRUSTED YOU WIWTH THAT INFORMATION I CANRT BELIEVE YOU WOULD JUST BETRAY ME LIKE THIS

 **jugjones:** MY OWN BEST FRIEND TURNED AGAINST ME BY SOME TEMPTRESS WITCH

 **archiekins:** jughead is a novelist

 **veronica:** everything makes sense suddenly

 **bettyboop:** if you give me your address i can come get you

 **veronica:** nevermind im already here

 **bettyboop:** oh

 **archiekins:** lol rejected

 **bettyboop:** ill be there in like two minutes

 **jugjones:** i refuse to look at any of you except betty

 **bettyboop:** aww babe

 **jugjones:** changed my mind

 **jugjones:** okay ive watched you look around for a full minute and i can watch no longer, archie

 **jugjones:** IM IN THE BACK DUMBFUCK

 **archiekins:** oh whoops

 **archiekins:** oh i see you

 **veronica:** ditto

 **bettyboop:** im here hello

 

* * *

 

_New text from **bettyboop** to  **archiekins**_

**bettyboop:** stop flirting you player

 **archiekins:** im not flirting this is called having a conversation

 **bettyboop:** every conversation with you is flirting

 **bettyboop:** manwhore

 **archiekins:** i think you should spend less time with jughead

 **bettyboop:** he opens my eyes to worlds of possibilities

 **archiekins:** well you should also stop flirting

 **bettyboop:** FIRST of all we both know i am terrible at flirting

 **bettyboop:** second of all did you notice we’ve been touching shoulders for five whole minutes

 **bettyboop:** IVEBEEN COUNTING

 **archiekins:** that’s not creepy even a little bit

 **bettyboop:** shut up clearly shes interested in me

 **archiekins:** IM NOT INTERESTEDI N HER

 **archiekins:** FOR YOUR INFORMATION, i have my eye on SOMEONE ELSE

 **bettyboop:** WHO

 **bettyboop:** WTF ARCHIE WHO

 **archiekins:** definitely a conversation for another time

 **archiekins:** jughead is glaring at me

 **archiekins:** i dont think he likes having to hold a conversation with veronica singlehandedlyt for so long

 **bettyboop:** sounds right

 **bettyboop:** FINE, you come over tonight and we will Talk About This

 **archiekins:** maybe

 

* * *

 

 _New text from_ **_jugjones_ ** _to_ **_archiekins_**

 **jugjones:** you and betty get off your motherfucking phones and talk to veronica or so help me god i will snap your wrists

 


	2. everyone is gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gayness, dogs, more gayness, and things that aren't dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ho hum secrets are slowly happening. hopefully new characters will happen soon also because i want more people to harass via chat fic :)

_Saturday Night_

~private chat between **bettyboop** and **archiekins** ~

 **archiekins:** my dad says i cant come over because I Gotta Work On The Car Son

 **bettyboop:** man i love your dad but sometimes ,  just .

 **archiekins:** i’m at least 3% sure he thinks we’re gonna hook up

 **bettyboop:** YOUR DAD DOESNT KNO W IM A LESBIAN

 **archiekins:** why would my dad know that

 **bettyboop:** because he’s literally my adoptive dad

 **archiekins:** well

 **archiekins:** bro. i didnt wanna out you without your consent

 **bettyboop:** as if the entirety of riverdale doesnt know??

 **archiekins:** WHATEVER IT WAS A COURTESY GOD NO RESPECT

 **bettyboop:** okay whatever im over it

 **bettyboop:** can we text while you Fix Your Car Like A Real Man Son

 **archiekins:** yes but i will be talking much slower because its hard to type with one hand

 **archiekins:** and i Must Be Holding The Wrench At All Times

 **bettyboop:** like a real man

 **archiekins:** exactly

 **bettyboop:** okay, spill

 **archiekins:** are you crazy if i spill the oil my dad will kill me

 **bettyboop:** YOUR SECRETS, GENIUS

 **archiekins:** oh

 **archiekins:** idk what ur talkin about

 **bettyboop:** the person you have your eye on

 **bettyboop:** dont even try & deny it, i have screenshots

 **archiekins:** cant trust u w anything

 **bettyboop:** <3

 **bettyboop:** share with the group

 **archiekins:** no

 **bettyboop:** come on archie we’re best friends

 **archiekins:** did you know i used to have a crush on u

 **bettyboop:** holy shit you like ME????

 **bettyboop:** oh. um. i

 **archiekins:** NO i dont like you

 **archiekins:** wtf

 **archiekins:** im just sayin i USED to

 **bettyboop:** hows that relevant AT ALL

 **archiekins:** half assed attempt 2 change the subject ?

 **bettyboop:** F A  I L

 **archiekins:** this is bullying, i m sure

 **bettyboop:** archie.,,,,,,,,,,,,,.........my buddy,,, bmy good bro, my dude, my guy, my friend, my #1 4 lyfe,,,,,,,,,,,

 **bettyboop:** tell me who you like or i will spill oil on your bedsheets

 **archiekins:** that’s not threatening at all

 **bettyboop:** you say that now

 **bettyboop:** just wait until you’re sleeping in a pool of oil

 **bettyboop:** that stuff does not wash off

 **archiekins:** point taken

 **archiekins:** elizabeth thefuckyourmiddlenameis cooper

 **archiekins:** i am telling you this in CONFIDENCE

 **archiekins:** i mean if you even so much as WINK when we are in the same room as each other or if you SMILE the wrong way i will obliterate you

 **bettyboop:** you dont know my middle name?

 **bettyboop:** good

 **archiekins:** seriously. i will tell everyone that you secretly pine over melania trump

 **archiekins:** it’s my word against yours

 **bettyboop:** *GASP* YO UWOULDNT

 **archiekins:** I WOULD

 **bettyboop:** fine, you have my word, blah blah blah, secret, wont tell anyone

 **archiekins:** okay fine it’s Jughead

 **bettyboop:** it’s the fuck WHAT

 **archiekins:** NOT A WORD

 **bettyboop:** YOU LIKE JUGHEAD

 **bettyboop:** FORSYTHE PENDLETON “JUGHEAD” JONES THE THIRD

 **bettyboop:** CAPTAIN OF THE IRONY TEAM AND IDIOSYNCRATIC OF THE CENTURY

 **bettyboop:** THAT JUGHEAD?

 **archiekins:** no, the other one

 **bettyboop:** qWHAT THE FUCIK

 **archiekins:** I HAVE TO GO FIX THE CAR OKAY ILL SEE U ON MONDAY

 **bettyboop:** ARCHIE ANDREWS

 **archiekins:** NoPE GTG BYE

* * *

  _Sunday_

 _new text from_ ** _veronica_** _to_ ** _weirdo squad_**

 **veronica:** betty

 **veronica:** betty

 **veronica:** betty

 **veronica:** betty

 **veronica:** betty

 **veronica:** betty

 **jugjones:** say betty one more time see what happens

 **veronica:** betty

 **_jugjones_ ** _has removed_ **_veronica_ ** _from the chat_

 **_bettyboop_ ** _has added_ **_veronica_ ** _to the chat_

 **bettyboop:** jughead you cant just kick people out

 **jugjones:** i warned her

 **bettyboop:** youre the worst

 **veronica:** BETTY

 **bettyboop:** me

 **bettyboop:** hi did you need me

 **veronica:** YES I DID

 **veronica:** you’re showing me around right

 **bettyboop:** yes……………………..on Monday which is tomorrow not today

 **veronica:** yes but however still but yet

 **veronica:** i wanna see the school before then

 **bettyboop:** wtf why

 **veronica:** i like seeing places when youre not supposed to see them

 **jugjones:** that’s deep can i use it for my novel

 **veronica:** no, fucker

 **jugjones:** im using it

 **veronica:** whatever betty will you show me

 **bettyboop:** i

 **bettyboop:** um???

 **jugjones:** betty can’t right now, she’s busy drooling over you

 **bettyboop:** SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **bettyboop:** YES i would be delighted to take you to the school

 **veronica:** great i live at the pembrooke i assume u know where it is

 **bettyboop:** you fucking live where

 **jugjones:** im using that against you to tp your house

 **veronica:** it’s an apartment so good luck

 **jugjones:** ill write it on the bathroom stalls and everyone will stalk you

 **bettyboop:** jughead shut up

 **bettyboop:** okay ill find you

* * *

**jugjones:** anyone want to see that dog movie with me

 **archiekins:** the day is here. its finally come. we are witnessing hjistory in the making, people. this is unbelievable. veronica, betty, get ready to take some serious screenshots. we are rewriting the world.

 **jugjones:** …………….ok, stephanie meyer

 **jugjones:** anyway i want to see the movie does anybody want to see it with me

 **bettyboop:** oh my gosh me i do

 **jugjones:** except you

 **veronica:** i would offer but first of all i don’t know what movie youre talkin about, second i dont really care, third im p sure you hate me, and fourth i have plans

 **jugjones:** so that’s a yes?

 **veronica:** be there in five minutes

 **bettyboop:** what just happened

 **veronica:** i have a date with jughead

 **archiekins:** i dont think that counts as a date

 **jugjones:** if this is a date, hell is a sauna

 **veronica:** nice, good reference there

 **jugjones:** romcoms are saunas on earth except that one

 **archiekins:** jughead is a fucking fraud we watch romcoms all the time

 **jugjones:** yeah because YOU like them

 **archiekins:** more lies, when will they stop

 **jugjones:** im being targeted all i want is to see the dog movie

 **bettyboop:** why do you want to see the dog movie so badly

 **jugjones:** dogs????

 **jugjones:** do i seriously need to further explain

 **bettyboop:** yeah but youre like,,,,,a brooding sadist

 **jugjones:** im only half of that statement

 **jugjones:** brooding sadists probably still like dogs

 **jugjones:** BESIDES i actually HAVE  a dog

 **jugjones:** my only true friend

 **archiekins:** wow.  o ffended . rejected so hard bro

 **archiekins:** right in the heart

 **jugjones:** i dont know this man

 **veronica:** hey jughead about that movie

 **veronica:** id love to come but something just came up

 **veronica:** and by ‘just’ i mean i made plans last night to hang out with my new friend I could never go

 **archiekins:** YOUVE BEEN HERE FOR LIKE ONE DAY HOW DO YOU ALREADY HAVE FRIENDS

 **veronica:** it’s betty you lunkhead

 **archiekins:** oh

 **archiekins:** OH

 **bettyboop:** NOT A WOR,D , ANDREWS

 **archiekins:** ok ok i digress what the fuck ever

 **jugjones:** *sighs deeply* that leaves you archie

 **archiekins:** i have Important Plans

 **jugjones:** what would those plans be

 **archiekins:** shit

 **archiekins:** i wanted to lie but youre too clever & you saw right thru it

 **jugjones:** are you gonna come see the 5:20 with me or will i have to go alone like the True Outsider I Am

 **archiekins:** fine but youre paying

 **jugjones:** fine but YOU’RE paying for dinner after at pop’s

 **archiekins:** nevermind ill buy the tickets

 **jugjones:** mmmhm thats what i thought

 

~private chat between **bettyboop** and **archiekins** ~

 **archiekins:** slow down babe your gay is showing

 **bettyboop:** OH COUGH COUGH SORRY MR. I HAVE A DATE WITH JUGHEAD

 **archiekins:** seeing a movie isn’t a date we do that all the time

 **bettyboop:** yea but he’s paying for dinner

 **archiekins:** he always pays for dinner because pop likes him and gives him discounts plus he eats like a fucking truck

 **bettyboop:** im at least 12% sure that trucks dont eat but whatever

 **archiekins:** this isn’t a date thats what im saying

 **bettyboop:** ok this will sound completely radical and insane but.

 **bettyboop:** why dont you just

 **bettyboop:** ask him,............ on a date……..??????????

 **bettyboop:** gasps from the audience

 **archiekins:** because he’s jughead and he’d probably ditch me forever??? are u literally using your brain at all rn??

 **bettyboop:** honey. bab/e. i love you but you are so thick

 **archiekins:** …..thanks?

 **bettyboop:** well anyway ill leave you to your date

 **archiekins:** not a date

 **bettyboop:** because IIIII am going to hang out with veronica

 **archiekins:** THAT is a date

 **bettyboop:** it’s not a date we’re getting ice cream

 **archiekins:** wtf?? thiat’s definitely a date

 **archiekins:** PLUS YOU ALREADY SAW EACH OTHER TODAY

 **bettyboop:** no we didnt

 **bettyboop:** well ok yes we did but i didnt show her the school as planned

 **bettyboop:** i showed up @ her house (A FUCKING MANSION OF AN APARTMENT BY THE FFREAKING WAY) but then she cancelled b c her mom wanted her to help unpack

 **bettyboop:** i think her mom is a goddess , seriously wtf

 **archiekins:** might be. no mortal could spawn anyone like veronica

 **bettyboop:** hey you chase your man and leave the ladies to me

 **archiekins:** ignoring that whole text

 **archiekins:** groan jughead is obnoxiously ringing my doorbell gtg

 **bettyboop:** ok have fun on your date

 **archiekins:** not a date

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading my tumblr is @aceriverdale or @vivilevone


	3. shakespeare = soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jughead's social pyramid, cheese, and soulmates.
> 
> **Note:** something that says xxxx.png means the person is sending a photo so use your imagination (sometimes they're screenshots)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> veronica and betty are soulmates and they can both quote shakespeare on command, fight me on it

 

_ Monday morning _

_ New text from  _ **_jugjones_ ** _ to  _ **_weirdo squad_ **

**jugjones:** someone rescue me from this hell called algebra 2

**archiekins:** why are you texting in class

**jugjones:** et tu brutus

**jugjones:** she's just talking abt the syllabus I'm BORED 

**archiekins:** so leave

**jugjones:** I cant

**jugjones:** so far at rhs I've managed to get by without ppl noticing I really exist

**jugjones:** I can't get up and Leave it will make a scene && then my cover will be blown

**veronica:** what are we talking about

**archiekins:** jug wants to leave but can't blow his cover

**veronica:** what are u a fucking spy ? just ask to go to the bathroom and don't come back

**jugjones:** I'm offended that u think I didn't consider that

**jugjones:** theres this lame ass pass for the bathroom I would have 2 take and then she would be watching for its return

**veronica:** shit 

**veronica:** in New York u can legit just get up and walk out of class

**jugjones:** maybe YOU could rich girl

**bettyboop:** WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP

**bettyboop:** I AM TRYING TO LISTEN AND MY PHONE HAS BEEN BUZZING FOR ALMOST TWIO MINUTES STRAIGHT

**archiekins:** Jughead give her a week

**archiekins:** if you're still bored we will figure something out

**jugjones:** fine I'll play crossy road on my phone

**veronica:** tell me you didn't just say you will play crossy road

**jugjones:** is that taboo in new york 

**veronica:** no but it's LAME as ALL FUCK

**jugjones:** thats something you and the game have in common

**archiekins:** holy shit

**archiekins:** down boy

**jugjones:** it was an affectionate insult

**jugjones:** youre gradually moving up my social pyramid

**jugjones:** there r only like two other people though soooooooooo

**veronica:** so let's see

**veronica:** Archie then Betty then me?

**jugjones:** um, NO

**jugjones:** archie then jelly then hot dog and betty tied, then pop tate then the extra with the yellow shirt in the background of a scene from avengers then fifteen miles of desert and then you

**veronica:** and that's moving up??

**jugjones:** it used to be twenty miles of desert

**veronica:** I'll take it

**veronica:** also wh the fuck is a hot dog doin on your social pyramid

**veronica:** and jelly wow how much do u like to eat bro

**jugjones:** wow, ur back down to 18 miles of desert, you cold bitch

**jugjones:** hot dog is my dog OBVIOUSLY 

**jugjones:** and jelly is my sister

**veronica:** your family has such weird names

**veronica:** is your dad’s name peanut butter

**jugjones:** ha ha very clever his name is forsythe obviously

**veronica:** why do you say these things like theyre so obvious

**jugjones:** im jughead jones the third dumbass

**veronica:** WELL EXCUSE ME FOR NOT KNOWING THAT 

**veronica:** shit gtg

**jugjones:** trouble on your first day at  rhs?? wow ,. u r a trU bad girl

* * *

_ New text from  _ **_veronica_ ** _ to  _ **_bettyboop_ **

**veronica:** do u mind if I sit w u at lunch?

**bettyboop:** obviously you can?? 

**bettyboop:** o wait I have 2 talk 2 weatherbee at lunch but u can sit w archie n jug

**veronica:** that's hardly worth it

**bettyboop:** rude

**bettyboop:** but true

**bettyboop:** as we all know I am the Glue of our friendships

**veronica:** yea without you I feel like Archie and Jughead woulda either killed or kissed each other by now

**veronica:** possibly both. simultaneously .

**bettyboop:** omfg

**bettyboop:** I think ur spot on

**bettyboop:** how do u kiss and kill someone at the same time

**veronica:** kiss them then take out your secret knife from your waistband and stab them

**veronica:** obviously

**bettyboop:** the readiness with which you sent that text is slightly concerning

**bettyboop:** anyway I'll be there after like eight minutes

**veronica:** ok I'll just sit here and cry while I wait

**bettyboop:** don't be cheesy

**veronica:** cheesy is my specialty betty cooper 

**bettyboop:** same

**bettyboop:** but like. real cheese. it's so delicious

**veronica:** OK TRUE

**veronica:** feta is the supreme ruler

**bettyboop:** ummmm, BRIE?

**veronica:** a case could be made for brie

**bettyboop:** also Swiss 

**veronica:** WHAT Swiss is awful

**bettyboop:** ????¿¿¿??¿¿

**veronica:** !!!!!¡¡¡!!¡¡¡!

**bettyboop:** oops I have 2 go lol

**veronica:** i am to wait, though waiting so be hell

**bettyboop:** did you just quote shakespeare at me

**veronica:** neither confirm nor deny

**veronica:** there’s  a slight chance i memorized a handful of his sonnets once upon a time

**bettyboop:** oh shit well bye

 

**_bettyboop_ ** _ has created a chat with  _ **_archiekins, jugjones_ **

**_bettyboop_ ** _ has named the chat  _ **_GIRLS ARE SO GREAT_ **

_ New text from  _ **_bettyboop_ ** _ to  _ **_GIRLS ARE SO GREAT_ **

**bettyboop:** veronicaquotingshakespeare.png

**bettyboop:** SO ANYWAY VERONICA IS THE DREAM GIRL AND SHE LITERALLY QUOTED SHAKESPEARE TO ME FROM MEMORY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

**bettyboop:** EVERYONE ALLOW ME A MOMENT TO BREATHE

**bettyboop:** HOW MANY GIRLS DO U KNOW THAT CAN QUOTE SHAKESPEARE AT THE DROP OF A HAT HUH

**jugjones:** you

**jugjones:** unfortunately

**bettyboop:** PRECISELY

**bettyboop:** THEREFORE WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER

**bettyboop:** aaaAAAAAAAA

**jugjones:** so do you like her

**jugjones:** i dont think you said

**bettyboop:** shut UP

**archiekins:** i would love to stay and chat but i have football tryouts

**archiekins:** and also i would not love to stay and chat

**jugjones:** no WAY i am not staying in this chat alone with crazy mccrazyface over here

**bettyboop:** im sane

**bettyboop:** shes just rly great

**jugjones:** im just having a flashback to eighth grade

**jugjones:** when me n you were sitting on the swingset and a girl came over to you and straight up just went ‘hey do u wanna kiss? ive never kissed anyone and i think a girl would be nicer and youre super pretty and nice’

**bettyboop:** noooooooooo

**jugjones:** and you went ‘im not gay!!!!............but okay’

**bettyboop:** HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT 

**jugjones:** further proof that i’m god

**bettyboop:** OMG I CANT BELIEVE I ACTUALLY SAID THE WORDS ‘IM NOT GAY’

**jugjones:** the lies when will they stop

**bettyboop:** okay i told veronica i had to leave so i could yell @ yall about her but fr i gtg now weatherbee’s callin me in

**jugjones:** thank god

**jugjones:** oh look speak of the devil

**jugjones:** she approacheth

**bettyboop:** SHIT

**bettyboop:** HIDE UR PHONE

**jugjones:** maybe ill just leave it on the tabletop here for aaaaaanyone to see

**bettyboop:** stospstopstpostostpsoptposptso FUCRST OP

**jugjones:** ok jesus

**bettyboop:** im not jesus but ive been told the resemblance is striking

**jugjones:** who the fuck told you that

**bettyboop:** um. google

**jugjones:** what the fuck have you been getting up 2 on google jesus christ betty

**bettyboop:** ELEAVE ME A LONE I HAVE T OGO

**jugjones:** bye

* * *

_ Monday after school _

_ New text from  _ **_veronica_ ** _ to  _ **_weirdo squad_ **

**veronica:** jughead i have had a genius thought and i think i should tell you it

**jugjones:** am i going to hate this? probably . am i going to read it anyway? yes

**veronica:** fabulous

**veronica:** so listen

**veronica:** i think you should change your username to juggernaut

**jugjones:** umm

**jugjones:** i see where youre going with this but pitch it anyway

**veronica:** it sounds like your name

**veronica:** but it means like massive powerful institution or force

**veronica:** um

**veronica:** a huge, powerful, and overwhelming force or institution, according to google

**jugjones:** google our lord and savior, right after me, our god

**veronica:** anyway i definitely would classify ur personality as overwhelming

**jugjones:** also huge and powerful

**veronica:** ……………………………………...su re

**veronica:** also it would lend to the theory that youre god

**jugjones:** ***fact

**jugjones:** shit i have to change my username to juggernaut

**jugjones:** veronica youll be delighted to learn that you’ve passed the 18 miles of desert

**veronica:** SUPERB, where am i now

**jugjones:** you and the extra from avengers are tied

**veronica:** SWEET

**bettyboop:** what did i walk in on

**veronica:** jughead’s gonna change his username to juggernaut

**archiekins:** that’s awesome omg

**jugjones:** thanks i know

**veronica:** wow,,,ingrate, ,, it was my idea,,

**jugjones:** whatever 

**jugjones:** archie how were masculinity tryouts

**archiekins:** they were great thanks for asking 

**bettyboop:** did you win

**archiekins:** ??

**bettyboop:** i dont know how football works my dude

**archiekins:** i made the team , if that’s what youre asking me

**veronica:** football is sweaty and brutal

**veronica:** baseball ftw

**veronica:** cunningly destroy ur opponents and look super hot doing it

**bettyboop:** baseball is fun

**archiekins:** you play bball??

**veronica:** um

**archiekins:** i bet i could get together a team if you wanna play sometime

**veronica:** thats so darling of you but im gonna go with a resounding no

**archiekins:** ?? why???

**veronica:** because boys playing baseball always ends in a pig pile at the mound??

**archiekins:** thats fair

**veronica:** hey betsy

**bettyboop:** mm

**veronica:** what are your feelins about coming over tomorrow evening 2 watch titanic

**bettyboop:** that movie makes me cry so much wtf

**bettyboop:** sounds great

**veronica:** great ill pick you up at seven

**bettyboop:** lmao dont 

**veronica:** oof ouch #harsh #rejection why

**archiekins:** no it’s not personal

**archiekins:** betty’s mom is lowkey the biggest bitch in riverdale

**jugjones:** somehow she is worse than cheryl

**veronica:** than who

**jugjones:** oh honey. there is so much you dont know

**veronica:** rude, ive been at this school exactly one (1) day

**jugjones:** :)

**bettyboop:** anyway ill come over

**veronica:** perfect

 

_ New text from  _ **_archiekins_ ** _ to  _ **_bettyboop_ **

 

**archiekins:** youre being so gay right now i cant breathe in it

**bettyboop:** hush your mouth

**archiekins:** no

**bettyboop:** yes, 

**archiekins:** OKAY OBVIUOSLY THIS IS A DATE

**archiekins:** she wrote the words ‘ pick you up at seven’.....,,,who the fuck does that if it’s nt a date

**bettyboop:** HEM HEMHE ME AHEM

**bettyboop:** pickyouupatsix.png

**archiekins:** that screenshot is from several weeks ago betty

**bettyboop:** yea but he said ‘pick you up at six’

**archiekins:** okay, he said ‘pick you up at six dumbass dont make me wait for you like i had to last time’

**archiekins:** that’s hardly romantic

**bettyboop:** its romantic for jughead

**archiekins:** ,,,,,

**archiekins:** okay, mA Ybe

**archiekins:** also she called you betsy?????? that definitely wasnt a fucking typo?????????

**bettyboop:** i dont think veronica makes typos. i think she’s god

**archiekins:** i thought it was established that jughead’s god?

**bettyboop:** it’s bad to idolize your crush archie

**archiekins:** ha ha very funny et tu

**bettyboop:** this is different

**bettyboop:** she’s not my crush

**archiekins:** OH REALLY

**bettyboop:** no she’s my soulmate so 

**archiekins:** youre literally ethe lamest person ive ever met

**bettyboop:** LOOOOVE YOUUUU

**bettyboop:** also did you know weatherbee shaved his head

**archiekins:** he did WHAT

**archiekins:** DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE

**bettyboop:** who do you take me f or , peasnant, obviously,

**bettyboop:** weatherbee.png

**archiekins:** what the fUCK AHHHHHHH OM HMYOG

**bettyboop:** I KNO W

**bettyboop:** ugh i have homework & my mom is makin my do it GOTTA GOOO

**archiekins:** ok but you totally have a date tomorrow

**bettyboop:** dates are for gays

**archiekins:** you ARE gay

**bettyboop:** oh. then yea it’s probably a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see ya next chat


	4. rule #1: always stop for dogs (also, enter: josie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dogs, Josie, and High School Musical (but only a little bit).
> 
> For clarity's sake, here's the canon of this fic:  
> \- Archie never slept with/met Grundy, she doesn't even work at RHS  
> \- Archie & Jughead _did_ go on their fourth of July road trip  
>  \- Jason Blossom was never killed & therefore he's still the QB for the football team and Archie is still on JV  
> \- Jughead isn't homeless; he lives with his dad, his sister Jelly, and his dog a couple houses down from Archie  
> \- Moose didn't proposition Kevin, that storyline was weird and dead-end to me and idk how to feel about Moose so until we know more he's just gonna be a single pringle  
> \- Hiram Lodge is in prison and he is not causing any scandals or shenanigans  
> More updates as more stuff happens. I'm basically fixing/ignoring all the sad stuff lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betty and veronica had a lovely not-date watching titanic and anyone who wants to write an actual fic about that not-date is more than welcome to and then please show me it

_Tuesday evening_

_New text from_ **_veronica_ ** _to_ **_weirdo squad_ **

**veronica:** so

**juggernaut:** whenever someone starts a conversation with “so”

**juggernaut:** that’s when u know shit’s bad

**veronica:** dont be a fuckin tree jughead

**juggernaut:** tree?

**veronica:** SO so

**veronica:** i made…………...a friend

**veronica:** a bro, if u will

**juggernaut:** i wont

**archiekins:** what other friends could u possibly need

**archiekins:** are we not everything u could ever want in life

**veronica:** im gonna do you both a favor and not answer that

**bettyboop:** what about me

**veronica:** yes betty u are everything i could ever want in life HOWEVER

**veronica:** i made a friend ANYWAy and she’s cool and her singing voice is like a fucking goddess’s

**archiekins:** um veronica

**archiekins:** by any chance did u make friends with josie mccoy

**veronica:** yea??

**juggernaut:** oh jesus

**bettyboop:** omg

**bettyboop:** nuuuu

**bettyboop:** josie is………………………the coolest person ever

**bettyboop:** she’s cooler than cheryl too bc she’s actually nice

**veronica:** still not 100% on who this cheryl is

**archiekins:** um not to me??

**juggernaut:** she’s cool we hang out sometimes

**archiekins:** you do what n o w?

**juggernaut:** i mean

**juggernaut:** by sometimes i mean like once a month

**juggernaut:** forget i said anything

**bettyboop:** you……………….hang out,,,,,,,,,w josie mc fucking coy

**juggernaut:** IT DOESNT MATTER

**veronica:** well WHATEVER can i invite her to pop’s?

**archiekins:** no?? absolutely not?

**archiekins:** pop’s is sacred

**bettyboop:** yea im all for makin friends and josie is awesome but . pop’s is sacred

**archiekins:** home to the core four

**veronica:** the what now

**juggernaut:** used to be the core 3 and the only reason we chose to include u is so it rhymes

**veronica:** im flattered you guys are so lame

**bettyboop:** thanks u too that’s why ur one of us now

**veronica:** blood sisters

**juggernaut:** um, … no

**bettyboop:** altho ronnie

**archiekins:** ronnie

**bettyboop:** shut up archiekins

**archiekins:** yes’m

**bettyboop:** u could add josie 2 this chat

**bettyboop:** if ur so inclined

**bettyboop:** ((read: PLEASE ADD HER))

**juggernaut:** pls do not

**juggernaut:** this chat is the msg version of pop’s

**veronica:** what if i made another chat

**archiekins:** I JUST SAW A DOG OUTSIDE THE WINDOW

**juggernaut:** WTF SEND A PICTURE

**bettyboop:** OMG WHAT KIND

**veronica:**???????????????/

**archiekins:** DOGGO.png

**juggernaut:** it’s beautiful. a gift to nature. a beauty on this decrepit earth we call home. we are blessed on this day

**bettyboop:** poetic

**bettyboop:** i was gonna say WTF THAT’S SO FRCIKINC CUTE

**bettyboop:** ok ten points to archie

**veronica:** what?? is happening??

**juggernaut:** rule #1: always stop for dogs

**archiekins:** u get points when u take pictures of dogs

**archiekins:** but it’s not like a competition it’s just,,. we like dogs.

**veronica:** every day the meaning of “weirdo squad” gets clearer and clearer

**bettyboop:** like you WOULDN’T stop for a dog

**veronica:** well i guess now i have to

**archiekins:** this is serious veronica

**archiekins:** u must sacrifice your all for pictures of dogs

**juggernaut:** one time i got detention for running outside and chasing after a dog so i could get a picture of it in the middle of class

**veronica:** ok i can swing that

**veronica:** um. ,. i was saying

**veronica:** makin another chat?? yes? no? verdict?

**bettyboop:** yes

**bettyboop:** and since i have two x chromosomes my vote overrules whatever archie n juggie were gonna say soooo

**archiekins:** now wait a minute

**veronica:** sustained

**veronica:** im making the chat

 

**_veronica_ ** _has created a chat with_ **_archiekins, juggernaut, bettyboop, catgirl_ **

**_veronica_ ** _has named the chat_ **_hi josie_ **

_New text from_ **_veronica_ ** _to_ **_hi josie_ **

**veronica:** so josie

**veronica:** my other friends wanted to.,,. um. speak to you

**veronica:** they said ur super cool and i also wanted u to meet them bc they’re my bros

**veronica:** except betty. she’s my girl

**catgirl:** girl,,,,,,,,,,,,friend?

**veronica:** NO, just my girl

**bettyboop:** wow i see how it is

**bettyboop:** anyway hi, josie, im betty cooper

**catgirl:** i know

**bettyboop:** cool

**bettyboop:** well if thats all im gonna go drown my head in a bucket of ice & my tears

**juggernaut:** hi,,,,,,,,josie,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it’s,,,,,,,voldemort here,,,,

**catgirl:** jughead?

**juggernaut:** no idea what ur talkin about

**archiekins:** i dont think this is a good idea. veronica if i may

**_archiekins_ ** _has left the chat_

**_catgirl_ ** _has added_ **_archiekins_ ** _to the chat_

**catgirl:** archie?

**archiekins:** ………...no

**catgirl:** is everyone here scared of me

**bettyboop:** youre kinda,,,scary,,?

**catgirl:** good. you should be scared. i am a queen & you are all simply subjects, peasants under my throne

**veronica:** sweet

**catgirl:** totally kidding ive seen high school musical ten times

**archiekins:** you what

**bettyboop:** omfg i love high school musical

**veronica:** WTF ME TOO

**veronica:** JOSIE THAT’S NOT A FLAW

**archiekins:** idk it seems like a flaw to me

**bettyboop:** friendship over. wow. sixteen years of friendship down the drain like it’s nothing. cannot be li eve

**archiekins:** u didnt know i dont care about hsm??

**archiekins:** dont u think if i liked them we wouldve watched them at least one time

**archiekins:** in SIXTEEN YEARS

**bettyboop:** NO bc we never watched what you wanted to ANYWAY

**archiekins:** thats fair

**juggernaut:** ive seen hsm twice

**veronica:** um what

**archiekins:** um WHAT

**juggernaut:** from a narrative standpoint it makes me want to throw up all of my insides, swallow them, then throw them up again

**bettyboop:** jughead, that’s unbelievably gross

**juggernaut:** for entertainment tho theyre alright

**catgirl:** so that IS jughead

**juggernaut:** no jughead is my nickname

**archiekins:** jughead is your nickname anyway

**juggernaut:** the nickname of my nickname

**juggernaut:** my name is jug. my nickname is jugglin joe

**juggernaut:** my nickname nickname is jughead

**catgirl:** youre the strangest person ive ever met

**archiekins:** so how do you know jughead

**veronica:** DOG

**catgirl:** no?

**bettyboop:** THIS IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH….,,,, CAN SHE SUCCEED AND GAIN HER FIRST POINTS IN THE DOG GAME

**veronica:** oh that was easy

**veronica:** dog.png

**bettyboop:** EXCELLENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A GREAT DOG, 11/10, FIFTY POINTS TO VERONICA

**juggernaut:** fuck you, three points to veronica

**bettyboop:** wtf three???

**juggernaut:** um wtf fifty????

**bettyboop:** starter gain

**bettyboop:** it’s not a competition anyway so it doesn’t matter

**juggernaut:** yea but im winning so,,,,,,ill compromise to four points

**archiekins:** veronica gets ten points like the rest of us you dumbasses

**archiekins:** that puts me at 340 pts

**juggernaut:** SUCK IT, i have 490

**bettyboop:** CLEARLY you are all failures in the art of capturing dogs

**bettyboop:** betty cooper takes the lead with a whopping 620 points

**juggernaut:** what the fuck

**archiekins:** how have u seen 62 dogs

**bettyboop:** bc im always thinkin about them? i conjure them with my Gay Powers

**veronica:** so much for “not a competition”

**bettyboop:** everything is a competition between us, , just none of us say it so we can have the Upper Hand

**catgirl:** someone,,,,please,,,,tell me what in fuck’s name is happening,,,,,,,,,,?

**juggernaut:** it’s a dog game

**juggernaut:** which i doubt you’d condone, CAT GIRL

**catgirl:** wow, um, no need to be so rude to ur old m8?

**_juggernaut_ ** _has left the chat_

**veronica:** ok seriously wtf is up with him

**archiekins:** josie,,,,,,,,what did you and him even DO

**catgirl:** i may be a queen but i respect my subjects’ wishes

**catgirl:** clearly he doesnt want you to know

**archiekins:** josie frickin mccoy im his best friend i reserve this right

**catgirl:** sorry but unless ur fuckin federalism u cant reserve any rights sooo no

**_bettyboop_ ** _has added_ **_juggernaut_ ** _to the chat_

**bettyboop:** ANYWAY,  we give points for when one of us sees & photographs a dog

**catgirl:** and u just. stop every conversation no matter what

**catgirl:** to discuss this dog

**bettyboop:** rule #1: always stop for dogs

**catgirl:** yall have fuckin RULES??

**catgirl:** you know

**catgirl:** i see you three walkin around the school chatterin away & im like

**catgirl:** what r they talking about?? homework? food? girls?

**catgirl:** yknow like ,. NORMAL HUMAN THINGS

**catgirl:** never woulda fucking guessed u just have daily conversations about dogs

**juggernaut:** ngl it depresses me that u dont

**catgirl:** i……………………………..

**catgirl:** my band is called josie and the pussycats???????? idk why that shocks u??

**archiekins:** tbh i feel like dogs is the most mundane thing we talk about

**bettyboop:** wow big word mundane

**archiekins:** THANK YOU but i owe all of my vocab to jughead

**juggernaut:** that’s 1000% true

**catgirl:** alright  well. i love my girls melody and valerie they are like my sister & i would die for them

**catgirl:** but. yall got a pretty tight ass group over here

**veronica:** SHE LIKES YOU

**catgirl:** …….thank you veronica, for speaking my own thoughts, out loud, for me

**veronica:** see?????????????/ i was right that wasnt so bad

**catgirl:** anyway

**catgirl:** i am now going to marathon the star wars movies & i will speak to all of u another time

**catgirl:** adios

**veronica:** bye!!!

**bettyboop:** bye josie!

**archiekins:** bye

**juggernaut:** mmmmmmmmmmmkay

 

_New text from_ **_juggernaut_ ** _to_ **_weirdo squad_ **

**juggernaut:** that was more trouble than it was worth

**archiekins:** bro. bro,, bro. idk if she hurt u or helped u or embarrassed u or WHAT T he fuck but you can tell us

**juggernaut:** it’s not a big thing lol we dont even know each other soo

**veronica:** “old m8”

**bettyboop:** josie mccoy is so cool i would probably date her if she wasnt so scary

**archiekins:** im,,,,,,,,at least 80% sure she’s straight,?

**juggernaut:** omg

**bettyboop:** omg

**veronica:** omg,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hon

**bettyboop:** shes as straight as a flag in the wind my dearest archiekins

**archiekins:** how in the name of jesus’s second child do u know that

**juggernaut:** jesus didnt have two children

**juggernaut:** actually. jesus didnt have ANY children

**archiekins:** im not religious, bite me

**bettyboop:** because,,,it’s kinda obvious??

**veronica:** also im pretty sure she has a gf

**archiekins:** she WHAT

**juggernaut:** no yea shes definitely not straight

**archiekins:** MY GAYDAR IS SO DISAPPOINTING

**archiekins:** do u think i can schedule gaydar repairs

**veronica:** nope u get what u get & u dont get upset

**archiekins:** i just wanna know about all my fellow gays

**bettyboop:** thats ok you have me

**archiekins:** i might have to watch high school musical

**veronica:** WTF LET’S MARATHON IT

**veronica:** there’s no school on friday rite

**veronica:** so thursday night y’all come 2 my house

**veronica:** i have a very big tv soo

**juggernaut:** oh whoopee let’s go to the rich girl’s house so she can show off all her possessions and money

**veronica:** my carpet is just $100 bills sewed together

**juggernaut:** that’s both the most depressing & the funniest shit ive heard all day

**juggernaut:** im too tired for this

**juggernaut:** im goin to write, no one talk to me, im getting in The Zone and distractions are highly unwelcome

**juggernaut:** any injuries to self are your own faults

**bettyboop:** im gonna watch the new episode of new girl

**archiekins:** laaaaaame

**veronica:** OMG ME TOO BABE

**bettyboop:** i would invite u over buuuuuuut my mom is an Ass fucking Bitch

**veronica:** thats ok im thinkin of u <3

**bettyboop:** awwwww u 2

  


_New text from_ **_archiekins_ ** _to_ **_bettyboop_ **

**archiekins:** HONESTLY IF YOU DONT ASK HER OUT BY THURSDAY NIGHT I STG IM GONNA DO IT FOR U

**bettyboop:** LEAVE M E ALONE

**bettyboop:** SOULMATES TAKE TIME

**archiekins:** FUCK THAT

**bettyboop:** STICK YOUR NOSE SOMEPLACE LESS GAY

**archiekins:** IMPOSSIBLE , IT FOLLOWS ME

**bettyboop:** fair

**bettyboop:** stfu and go flirt with jughead or something

**archiekins:** me, flirting: heyyyyyy jughead ;)

**archiekins:** jughead: Punches me in the Fucking Face

**bettyboop:** probably

**bettyboop:** WHATEVER my show is on ILL TTYL

**archiekins:** YOURE GAY

**bettyboop:** well shit u caught me

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> legitimate timelines are for suckers
> 
> Will Jughead have a secret subplot w josie?? Probably no because I am an inconsistent writer.
> 
> also yes jughead did change his username because veronica told him to


	5. vixens, kevin, and drive-ins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone welcome Kevin Keller into the chat! *collective murmurs of "hi, kevin"*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a slut for rhymes sue me

_Wednesday_

_New text from **veronica** to **weirdo squad** _

**veronica:** so I was at my locker & this bitchy redhead approached me

 **veronica:** looked like if Archie was a hot girl

 **bettyboop:** SHIT you've met cheryl

 **veronica:** yeah. total bitch. I love it in a hatred way

 **veronica:** she reminds me of old me

 **veronica:** anyway she invited me 2 join the cheerleading squad??

 **juggernaut:** of course she did

 **archiekins:** say goodbye 2 veronica everyone, she's about to be alienated by the Bitch Squad of rhs

 **veronica:** wow rude?? I told her Betty and I would try out

 **veronica:** so betty stay late

 **bettyboop:** um wot

 **bettyboop:** no?? I don't need more of ppl hating on my body

 **bettyboop:** I tried out last year for the vixens & she said I was too fat sooo

 **veronica:** sHE WHAT?? the fucCK?! you're not fat and also you're a total smokeshow so she can eat glass

 **veronica:** betty cooper we are getting on that squad

 **veronica:** I was captain of the squad in New York

 **juggernaut:** wow , bitchy

 **veronica:** takes one to know one

 **juggernaut:** actually i have many flaws but im not bitchy

 **veronica:** sure you're not

 **bettyboop:** well. uhh ok then thank you Ronnie??

 **veronica:** <3

 **bettyboop:** so i have been thinking && I feel like kevin should be added to this chat

 **archiekins:** kevin is strange

 **archiekins:** know a fence betty

 **archiekins:** I know u  & him r bros, like the gay buddies of Riverdale high

 **bettyboop:** yeah we play a game sometimes where we point at a random kid and use our collective omniscient gaydars to determine if theyre gay

 **archiekins:** of course you do

 **bettyboop:** fact: when kevin first saw u he looked at me and went “holy shit he’s a redhead?? I couldn't scream bisexual more if I tried”

 **juggernaut:** what???? I'm calling bullshit

 **bettyboop:** listen,,, kevin is unique ok

 **juggernaut:** but the blossoms r both redheads

 **bettyboop:** ……..and u think either of them are even slightly straite….hon

 **juggernaut:** wow

 **bettyboop:** biological fact, redhead are all bisexual

 **juggernaut:** that's so scientifically untrue

 **veronica:** I love kevin he's so……...Gay™

 **bettyboop:** rude ,, I'm Gay™

 **veronica:** yes & thank god for that

 **veronica:** but he's like a severe Gay

 **veronica:** plus he tells me dirty secrets about betty

 **juggernaut:** that's pervy veronica

 **veronica:** not dirty like that OBVIOUSLY

 **bettyboop:** wow, do u know how much this conversation does NOT need 2 continue?? so much

 **bettyboop:** anyway adding kevin, yay or nay

 **juggernaut:** I have…,,....no personal grudge against kevin keller

 **archiekins:** i feel like he's an honorary member of this chat bc he's betty’s bro

 **archiekins:** sure if u want

 **veronica:** please do

_**bettyboop** has added **kevinkiller** to the chat _

**veronica:** that fact that ur name is kevin killer makes me love u more

 **kevinkiller:** MY CHILDREN HELLO

 **kevinkiller:** yea my dad’s the sherriff so i feel obliged to rebel in the most suspicious, teen #emo way possible

 **kevinkiller:** hi jarchie

 **juggernaut:** who???¿¿?

 **kevinkiller:** you………….and Archie…….combined…...for absolutely no gay reason whatsoever

 **kevinkiller:** except that you’re soulmates

 **archiekins:** I'm having regrets about including you in this chat

 **bettyboop:** don't be rude

 **bettyboop:** hey kev I'm joining the vixens

 **kevinkiller:** BITCHHCH!!!!!!!!!!! YES U R!!!! MY GIRL!!!!!

 **veronica:** ****MY girl, Fuck Off Kev

 **kevinkiller:** sorry gays

 **kevinkiller:** I mean girls

 **juggernaut:** children, peasants, and veronica

 **veronica:** do I get my own category bc I'm a queen

 **juggernaut:** no it's bc you're so low there isn't a word to describe your standing

 **veronica:** wow, shit

 **juggernaut:** anyway I'm Considering playing all the die hard movies at the drive in tonight

 **juggernaut:** u nerds coming

 **juggernaut:** I can sneak out of the building i play it in & hang out

 **bettyboop:** well Ronnie & I have cheerleading tryouts otherwise ……,no.

 **bettyboop:** die hard kinda sucks

 **veronica:** ditto. not enough girls

 **juggernaut:** fair

 **juggernaut:** Archie,,kevin,,?

 **kevinkiller:** let me check my schedule

 **kevinkiller:** hmm…..Im packed , sorry. gotta be gay and sad all evening

 **kevinkiller:** unless u intend to make out with me, I'm gonna say hard no

 **juggernaut:** Noah fence but I would never make out with u kevin

 **juggernaut:** literally never

 **kevinkiller:** thank u juggie the feeling is mutual

 **kevinkiller:** would never get between u & ur forever boy

 **juggernaut:** my forever boy is the burger I had last night

 **juggernaut:** it was so good I had to stop writing

 **bettyboop:** gasp

 **archiekins:** I have no plans & also I love die hard so yea I'll be there jug

 **kevinkiller:** ~~~forever boiiiiiii~~~~~

 

_New text from **bettyboop** to **archiekins** _

**bettyboop:** THIS IS A SETUP FOR A DATE IF IVE EVER SEEN IT WTF

 **archiekins:**??? what in hell R u on about

 **bettyboop:** as a journalist I urge u to FACE THE FUCKING FACTS

 **bettyboop:** #1: he just SPONTANEOUSLY chose to marathon die hard at the drive in

 **bettyboop:** which AS WE KNOW is the location of rite of passage for making out AND also the most romantic place in Riverdale for teenagers

 **bettyboop:** because he fuckin knows that 1) you love die hard and 2) I hate it

 **bettyboop:** PLUS he said it after ronnie decided we were trying out for cheerleading so he knew we couldn't come

 **bettyboop:** it's just gna be u…….and him,,,,,, alone,,, watching the romantic narrative of John McClane’s masculinity

 **archiekins:** there's no romance in die hard u dumbfuck

 **bettyboop:** I'm sure you will figure it out

 **archiekins:** stop playing matchmaker Betty it doesn't suit you

 **bettyboop:** offended?? I will matchmake the gays til I die

 **bettyboop:** besides he totally likes u & idk why u haven't done anything yet

 **bettyboop:** both Ronnie and kev see it so therefore I'm not crazy

 **archiekins:** well WHAT ABOUT YOU & VERONICA

 **bettyboop:** I AM WORKING ON IT

 **bettyboop:** BU DO U KNOW THE ODDS OF VERONICA LIKING ME WHEN THERE R PPL LIKE JOSIE?! aND CHERYL????????

 **bettyboop:** as low as my self esteem :)

 **archiekins:** thats the bullest shit ever omfg betty

 **archiekins:** totally into Jughead but you're super hot?? objectively

 **bettyboop:** kno what else is super hot? the sun. AND IF U APPROACH IT U DIE

 **archiekins:** youre the coolest girl ever if veronica doesn't like you ((SHE 1000% DOES)) I'll beat her up

 **bettyboop:** dont , can u imagine ruining a face as porcelain perfect as hers

 **archiekins:** whatever just . ask her out after tryouts ok

 **archiekins:** how about this,,, if u do, ill ask Jughead out

 **bettyboop:** OMG

 **bettyboop:** okay yes yes I'll do it

 **bettyboop:** u swear?

 **archiekins:** yup

 **archiekins:** Gay Promise

 **bettyboop:** Gay Promise

 

_New text from **veronica** to **catgirl** _

**veronica:** J O S I E MCFUCK

 **catgirl:** thats not my name

 **veronica:** sososososo

 **veronica:** I invited Betty 2 join cheerleading with me

 **catgirl:** oh no

 **catgirl:** bad move, Cheryl is gonna rip into Betty like the white bread she kind of is

 **veronica:** ok but

 **veronica:** first of all Betty is really hot PLUS she's super nice & smart so ??? idk how ??

 **veronica:** anyway THE POINT IS I WANNA LIKE,,, DATE HER

 **catgirl:** so ur asking me how to ask ur girl out

 **veronica:** yes?? bc u managed?

 **catgirl:** I asked out Cheryl

 **catgirl:** that's like asking a bank robber how to run a bank

 **catgirl:** cheryl & Betty are polar opposites babe

 **veronica:** same IDEA tho

 **catgirl:** I mean i just kissed her so u can try that

 **veronica:** H mmmmmmm

 **veronica:** actually I could

 **catgirl:** ok but if u wanna do it in front of Cheryl she's gonna tear u a new one

 **catgirl:** only reason I'm in the closet is bc 1) she is

 **catgirl:** and also 2) nobody asks

 **veronica:** whatever I have a plan

 **catgirl:** hey so veronica

 **catgirl:** by any chance could u listen to a song I'm working on

 **catgirl:** bc I trust your musical ear & need a second opinion??

 **veronica:** YES definitely

 **veronica:** I have heard so many greatness things about ur band

 **catgirl:** thanks we won battle of the bands

 **catgirl:** aka we’re fuckin perfect

 **veronica:** tru

 **veronica:** I'll listen at lunch ok I'm in bio & I know the limits of the rules

 **catgirl:** I appreciate your badassness veronica lodge

 **veronica:** thanks I appreciate your badassness too

 **veronica:** in a totally platonic way I'd date u

 **veronica:** if u didn't have a gf  and I wasn't like COMPLETELY infatuated w betty

 **catgirl:** back atcha

* * *

  _New text from **bettyboop** to **weirdo squad**_

 

 **bettyboop:** help me Jesus I'm so nervous

 **veronica:** you're gonna be fine omg it's just cheerleading

 **bettyboop:** THIS IS THE GROUP CHAT

 **bettyboop:** I mean. yes I am nervous about the tryouts

 **veronica:** what else,,, would u,, be nervous about,,,

 **bettyboop:** nuthin

_New text from **bettyboop** to **archiekins**_

**bettyboop:** FUCK I SENT THAT MESSAGE TO THE WROOOONG CHAT

 **bettyboop:** help me I'm so nervous

 **archiekins:** listen ur hotter than Cheryl so fuck her noise

 **bettyboop:** NOT CHERYL IM WHATEVER ABOUT HER

 **bettyboop:** about askin out ronnie

 **bettyboop:** wtf she's gna reject me I shouldnt even try

 **archiekins:** Betty Cooper you are DOING THIS

 **archiekins:** besides, u Gay Promised soo

 **bettyboop:** I knew that gay promise would bite me in the ass

 **bettyboop:** gottagobye

 **archiekins:** GOOD LUCK MY DAMSEL

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~consistent timelines are for writers who care~  
> hit the kudos if u relate to betty sending a msg to the wrong chat (kidding omg)  
> also let these gays Gay Out, so excited for their Dates


	6. gay school musical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Religion (sort of), relationships, and High School Musical marathons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW SO SOME STUFF HAPPENED ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT THE VIXENS TRYOUTS AND AT THE DRIVE-IN

_Thursday morning_

_New text from_ **_juggernaut_ ** _to_ **_weirdo squad_ **

**juggernaut:** religion is absolute bullshit: discuss

 **bettyboop:** jesus is our lord and savior

 **bettyboop:** jk im impartial

 **veronica:** I thought juggie was god?

 **juggernaut:** i am

 **juggernaut:** i was listening to a comedy routine by george carlin

 **veronica:** translation: I am a hipster emo wannabe

 **_juggernaut_ ** _has removed_ **_veronica_ ** _from the chat_

 **juggernaut:** and he said how religion made ppl believe in some invisible Guy in the Sky lookin down on us and stroking his metaphysical beard

 **archiekins:** Jughead we talked about this

 **juggernaut:** I don't think weve ever talked abt religion

 **archiekins:** kicking ppl out of the chat dumbass

 **juggernaut:** o

 **juggernaut:** no regrets

 **_archiekins_ ** _has added_ **_veronica_ ** _to the chat_

 **veronica:** u fuckers are gonna make me late for school

 **bettyboop:** Ronnie walk w me?

 **veronica:** yes dearest

 **juggernaut:** ronnie don't walk w me?

 **veronica:** yes plebeian

 **juggernaut:** wow , big word. 8 point

 **archiekins:** Jughead im like two minutes from ur house

 **juggernaut:** you live like two houses down

 **archiekins:** yes, & the time it will take me to finish my cereal, say gbye to my dad & dog, n get to ur house is two minutes

 **archiekins:** so be ready

 **juggernaut:** touché

 **bettyboop:** how did u get the accent on your keyboard

 **juggernaut:** are you kidding me

 **bettyboop:** no??

 **veronica:** babe…………...you just hold down the letters

 **bettyboop:** like this é

 **bettyboop:** WOAH

 **bettyboop:** gét réädÿ fõr thîs

 **juggernaut:** what have you done veronica

 **veronica:** simply educated those less fortunate than i

 **bettyboop:** wéll īll sëė yòû ãlł åt sçhôôl

 **bettyboop:** tÿpìnñg lîkë thïs tâkèš wåÿ möré tįmé būt ït’š wòrth ît

 **juggernaut:** I am going to kick you out of this chat

 **archiekins:** Jughead ur front door is open I'm entering

 **archiekins:** don't call the cops on me

 **juggernaut:** what if youve been kidnapped & are being forced to say all of this

 **archiekins:** then be a heroic asshole and say a clever one liner n then knock out my kidnappers

 **juggernaut:** good answer. im omw out just typing my last sentence

 **bettyboop:** ôòh whát’s thé śéńtéńćé

 **juggernaut:** im just word vomiting

 **archiekins:** tell ussssss

 **juggernaut:** no

 **veronica:** please please pleasepleaseplease

 **kevinkiller:** am very late to this party, I was showering, but yes Jughead share with the group

 **juggernaut:** honestly no

 **juggernaut:** begging won't convince me you fucking nerds

 **archiekins:** boringggggg

 **archiekins:** jughead can I tell what happened last night

 **juggernaut:** archie made the dumbest decision possibly ever

 **juggernaut:** & asked me out

 **kevinkiller:** CALLED IT

 **kevinkiller:** CALLD IT CALLED IT HA VERONICA YOU OWE ME TEN BUCKS

 **veronica:** I DONT YET HE DIDNT SAY iF HE SAID YES

 **juggernaut:** wow obviously I said yes im no fool

 **veronica:** DAMMIT JUGHEAD

 **juggernaut:** the fact that Veronica is losing money over this is just a cherry on top

 **juggernaut:** can't believe you guys bet on our potential relationship

 **juggernaut:** kidding I totally can

 **archiekins:** Betty is there anything u maybe wanna share with us

 **bettyboop:** yea Veronica kissed me at tryouts

 **archiekins:** WHAT

 **veronica:** her lips are so tempting can u blame me

 **bettyboop:** anyway I asked her out afterwards bc it was kinda pretty clear I wasnt gonna get a no

 **juggernaut:** u literally just kissed her?? damn? respect veronica

 **veronica:** josie told me to

 **bettyboop:** it was a heavenly experience ngl

 **bettyboop:** so yea this is my girlfriend veronica lodge say hi

 **veronica:** I get all tingly every time u say girlfriend ahhhh

 **veronica:** this is my girlfriend betty cooper say hi

 **archiekins:** and this is my bro jughead jones

 **archiekins:** ouch he just whacked me with his socks

 **juggernaut:** boyfriend dumbass

 **archiekins:** this is my boyfriend, a dream come true, most amazing person ever, jughead jones

 **juggernaut:** this is my boyfriend Archie Andrews a fucking liar

 **kevinkiller:** and me, in the corner, single & angery

 **bettyboop:** join the too young to be bitter club

 **kevinkiller:** anything to meet tina cohen-chang

 **kevinkiller:** she was so diva and cool and under appreciated

 **kevinkiller:** Blaine stole the new Rachel spot , like a TRUE BITCH

 **kevinkiller:** but tina totally deserved it

 **archiekins:** that's our cue to leave

 **archiekins:** the chat I mean . we r already halfway to school

 **veronica:** were you halfway to school when Jughead hit u with socks

 **archiekins:** no he just lives close

 **veronica:** well Betty and I approacheth school grounds as we speak

 **bettyboop:** we’ll all walk together on Monday

 **bettyboop:** Kevin included

 **kevinkiller:** I need a boyfriend

 **archiekins:** sorry bro

 **juggernaut:** sucks to be you

 **veronica:** 5’6 of Pure Bitch approaching, ttyl

 **bettyboop:** (cheryl)

 **kevinkiller:** ok see you gays at lunch

 **kevinkiller:** **guys

 **juggernaut:** no gays is accurate

 

_Thursday after school_

_New text from_ **_bettyboop_ ** _to_ **_weirdo squad_ **

**bettyboop:** ronnieronnieronnieronnieronnieronnie

 **juggernaut:** SHTU THE FUCK UP

 **bettyboop:** are we still on 4 tonight

 **bettyboop:** HSM marathon

 **veronica:** yes 10000%

 **juggernaut:** o that

 **juggernaut:** ugh fine ill be there

 **archiekins:** same

 **kevinkiller:** wow r00d was i just excluded from this or

 **veronica:** kevin the invitation is extended to you

 **kevinkiller:** while you Couples are making out ill be gaying out for corbin bleu and zac efron

 **veronica:** i don’t dance is five thousand percent a metaphor for bisexuality JUS SAYIN

 **bettyboop:** hsm couldnt have gotte n more gay except for if chad and ryan had just ACCEPTED THEIR FEELIGNGS FOR EACH OTHER AND DATED

 **bettyboop:** can i get a what what for interracial gay couples

 **veronica:** what what

 **archiekins:** you guys are so embarassing to be around

 **bettyboop:** *embarrassing

 **juggernaut:** *embarrassing

 **juggernaut:** oh wow that was so painful

 **archiekins:** ouch, Double Grammician Attack

 **archiekins:** grammarian???

 **archiekins:** i havent read paper towns in awhile

 **veronica:** GRAMMARIAN

 **juggernaut:** that was agony

 **juggernaut:** in attempting 2 save your shitty typo, you dug yourself deeper into this grammar mess

 **kevinkiller:** grammess

 **_juggernaut_ ** _has removed_ **_kevinkiller_ ** _from the chat_

 **_bettyboop_ ** _has added_ **_kevinkiller_ ** _to the chat_

 **bettyboop:** you gotta stop doing that

 **archiekins:** listen in my defense

 **archiekins:** embarrassing is a hard word to spell

 **bettyboop:** it must be so embarassing for you

 **bettyboop:** having bad spelling

 **juggernaut:** im so embarassed on your behalf

 **archiekins:** IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK WRONG

 **veronica:** what an embarassing situation youre in here

 **kevinkiller:** youre such an embarassment to the chat

 **archiekins:** STOP THS IS BULLYING

 **juggernaut:** <3

 **archiekins:** no

 **juggernaut:** </3

 **veronica:** ladies and gentlemen, jughead jones the budding novelist, proving once again his eloquence and capability to communicate

 **juggernaut:** dont Drag me like this

 **kevinkiller:** veronica where do u effin live

 **bettyboop:** heaven

 **kevinkiller:** wh,,,,,what

 **veronica:** i live at the pembrooke thansxks betty

 **bettyboop:** yw

 **juggernaut:** im still not over that

 **juggernaut:** my sister keeps asking who im texting

 **archiekins:** I MLOVE YOU R SISTER CAN I COME OVER AND SEE HER

 **juggernaut:** NO SHE HAS REHEARSAL FOR THE SCHOOL PLAY IN LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AND SHE WONT LEAVE TIL I TELL HER WHO IM TEXTING

 **archiekins:** so tell her,,,

 **bettyboop:** are you ashamed of us

 **juggernaut:** yes definitely

 **juggernaut:** but thats jnot the point she keeps saying “ooooooh are you tyexting your BOYFRIENDDDD”

 **archiekins:** well you ARE

 **juggernaut:** DOES HSHE HAVE SOME KIND OF 6TH SENSE HOW COULD SHE POSSIBLY KNOW THAT

 **juggernaut:** shes never mentioned any kind of boyfriend literally ever and now suddenly now that i have one

 **veronica:** jughead’s being an overdramatic diva

 **veronica:** just Tell Her

 **archiekins:** your sister loves me anyway so she wont care

 **juggernaut:** fine whatever you gay fuckers

 **kevinkiller:** keep us in the loop jughead

 **juggernaut:** “YES, jelly, i am TEXTING MY BOYFRIEND”

 **juggernaut:** “ I KNEW IT is it archie”

 **juggernaut:** “kind of”

 **archiekins:** KIND  of??????

 **juggernaut:** because it’s a group chat you absolute fucking egg

 **archiekins:** oh

 **juggernaut:** “kind of how”

 **juggernaut:** “kind of, my boyfriend archie is in this group chat im talking to, can we PLEASE go to rehearsal now”

 **juggernaut:** “oh okay”

 **veronica:** that was so anticlimactic jughead jesus christ

 **juggernaut:** it was STRESSFUL i dont know what kind of garbage they put into the heads of Elementary Public School Students™

 **veronica:** YOURE LAME

 **juggernaut:** um, wrong

 **juggernaut:** im the king of teen angst™

 **archiekins:** jug has his own reality tv show

 **archiekins:** keeping up with the joneses

 **bettyboop:** “i went to my room to get my books and my sister had just.,,..,..., WRECKED IT!!!!!! THE WHOLE THING!!! I COULDNT BELIEVE IT!!!!!  OHOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP IN THIS DISORDER?!?!?!?”

 **bettyboop:** *cut to jelly* “all i did was make his bed”

 **juggernaut:** stop the bullying, stop the hate

 **kevinkiller:** jughead season 1-3: “i hate humans. emotions are for babies. anyone over the age of 5 celebrating a birthday should go to hell”

 **kevinkiller:** jughead on the s4 premiere: “Im dating mr Popular football God uwu i <3 him soo much xx”

 **juggernaut:** i just threw up in my mouth & then threw up in general

 **archiekins:** IM NOT TJAT SHALLOW

 **archiekins:** I HAVE A PERSONALITY U KNOW

 **bettyboop:** archie’s actual first words 2 me: “youre pretty & i’m pretty wanna be friends”

 **archiekins:** thats such a fuckin lie omfg

 **juggernaut:** YEAH, GOD, BETTY, those were his first words 2 veronica

 **veronica:** untrue, but they were his first thoughts

 **archiekins:** wow , i’m feelin hated

 **archiekins:** ~where is the loooove~

 **kevinkiller:** we still like u arch

 **juggernaut:** ……...ur alright

 **archiekins:** wow,., my own boyfriend,,

 **juggernaut:** <3

 **bettyboop:** how come u keep using the <3

 **juggernaut:** it just expresses so much emotion

 **juggernaut:** slightly passive aggressive but still full of love but also not enough love that you could type it out you just use two simple symbols to express your feelings

 **veronica:** specific yet weirdly true

 **kevinkiller:** like for example this one also

 **kevinkiller:** :)

 **kevinkiller:** to an unassuming grandmother, simply a smiley face. but to us educated millennials, a passive aggressive expression of “okay” mixed with “go fuck yourself with a turkey baster”

 **veronica:** a turkey baster??

 **archiekins:** that is so specific

 **bettyboop:** just saying they do kind of look like ,. you know

 **veronica:** no we dont know please, betty, continue,

 **bettyboop:** i take it back

 **veronica:** no go on

 **bettyboop:** LISTEN,

 **bettyboop:** i am but a funky lil Lesbian leave me alone

 **juggernaut:** lets steer this conversation in literally any other direction

 **archiekins:** JUGHEAD will u pick me up so we can go to ronnie’s

 **juggernaut:** IIM WALKING JELLY TO SCHOOL

 **juggernaut:** also i gtg bc she is starting to try n steal my phone

 **juggernaut:** apparently she wants me to “talk to her”’’’’or something dumb

 **veronica:** being social? in ~my~ friend group? it’s more likely than you think

 **kevinkiller:** im platonically soulmates with veronica lodge

 **kevinkiller:** yet still so gay,...

 **bettyboop:** i thought me n u were platonic soulmates kev

 **bettyboop:** jshit i am feelin a burn

 **kevinkiller:** no but u and veronica are soulmates so it transfers

 **archiekins:** DAMN, NCIE SAVE , KELLER

 **kevinkiller:** thank

 **veronica:** aww we totally are soulmates

 **archiekins:** xcuse me while i vomit

 **bettyboop:** cough cough im in love with my best friend of ten years

 **archiekins:** Shut Up

 **bettyboop:** veronicaaaaa im coming to your house Right Now

 **veronica:** ok ill have the wine ready

 **bettyboop:** NO

 **veronica:** what

 **bettyboop:** we r underage and therefore cant legally drink and i wont have it

 **veronica:** um

 **archiekins:** omg spoilsport

 **bettyboop:** i abide by the law unless it is in my best interest not to

 **kevinkiller:** getting drunk is in your best interest

 **kevinkiller:** just dont drink it betty

 **bettyboop:** UNDERAGE DRINKING IS SO BAD GUYS

 **veronica:** uhh,m. okay there will be no wine just cheese n crackers

 **veronica:** and some tasty as FUCK lemonade by smithers

 **bettyboop:** thank u dearest

 **veronica:** mmhm <3

 

 **_veronica_ ** _has created a chat with_ **_kevinkiller_ ** _and_ **_catgirl_ **

**_veronica_ ** _has named the chat_ **_yelling about betty_ **

_New text from_ **_veronica_ ** _to_ **_yelling about betty_ **

**veronica:** fuck guys fuckfucjficfuck

 **catgirl:** what is this

 **kevinkiller:** is that josie

 **catgirl:** is that KEVIN

 **veronica:** MATTER AT HAND

 **veronica:** YES you are both your respective selves bc youre my romantic advisors now back t o my thing

 **veronica:** IJ MSO IN LOVE WITH BETTY FUCKIN G COOPER

 **kevinkiller:** yeah we all knew that

 **catgirl:** why is kevin your romantic advisor

 **kevinkiller:** BinCH

 **veronica:** NO HONEY

 **catgirl:** so you didnt ask her out??

 **veronica:** um the fuck yea i did

 **veronica:** i kissed her at tryouts but it turns out she was just fixin 2 ask me out anyway so all was well

 **veronica:** EXCEPT IM IN LOVEWTI HEHR

 **kevinkiller:** …………….

 **kevinkiller:** im gonna be totally honest, not seeing the problem

 **catgirl:** ^^^^

 **veronica:** i cant be in love with her i just met her

 **catgirl:** okay so dont be

 **veronica:** wtf no

 **veronica:** yall do you know the last time i willingly put AWAY the alcohol because someone told me to and i liked them enough to comply??

 **catgirl:** what’s the context for this

 **kevinkiller:** hsm marathon. anyway no veronica we dont

 **catgirl:** i would ask to be invited but first of all i dont want to come and second of all i have plans with cheryl

 **veronica:** SHUT UP I DONT CARE

 **veronica:** sorry sorry i do care im happy you and cheryl are having great sex now LISTNE TO MY PROBLEM

 **catgirl:** thats not at all what’s happening but i digress

 **veronica:** THE ANSWER IS NEVER OK

 **veronica:** I HAVE NEVER PUT AWAY THE WINE BECAUSE SOMEONE ASKED ME 2

 **veronica:** BUT I DID NOT WANNA PISS OFF BETTY SO I JJUST DID

 **veronica:** SHIT I LOVE HER

 **kevinkiller:** ok so tell her

 **kevinkiller:** AT LEAST U HAVE A S/O

 **veronica:** lmao “‘’’’’’just tell her’’’’’’ kevin u amateur

 **kevinkeller:** yes, i am an amateur, because i have never had a real relationship, ever, in my life, thank u for observing that ,,,,,,

 **veronica:** k but have u never seen HIMYM

 **veronica:** did u FORGET what happened when ted said “i love you” to robin on the FIRST DATE

 **catgirl:** they did a stupid Straight shouldwe-shouldntwe dance for like eight years and then finally stupidly ended up Straight and Together

 **veronica:** YES

 **veronica:** WOULD I BE SO FOOLISH AS TO CONDEMN MYSELF 2 THAT??? NO THE ANSWER IS NO

 **kevinkiller:** ok so DONT

 **veronica:** ok i wont

 **kevinkiller:** alright but im jjust telling you that i guarantee if you said you love her she would say it back

 **catgirl:** betty’s the most expressive & genuine person at rhs and probably in all of riverdale

 **catgirl:** if there was ever a girl who could fall hard and fast it would be her

 **veronica:** shit

 **catgirl:** & on that note, i gotta go

 **kevinkiller:** and IIII am makin my way to your heaven mansion ass fucking house

 **veronica:** ok okokookoookokokkokokok bye

 **catgirl:** good luck babe

 **veronica:** thanks ill probably habve a stroke when i see her face but its fine its fine

 **kevinkiller:** youre so stupid lame and gay

 **veronica:** you knowwhat

 

 _New text from_ **_veronica_ ** _to_ **_weirdo squad_ **

**veronica:** kevin has had a genius idea

 **_veronica_ ** _has renamed the chat_ **_stupid lame and gay_ **

**kevinkiller:** cann ot BeLieve

 **kevinkiller:** i stand by what i said tho

 **juggernaut:** i hate how true that is but it’s true

 **juggernaut:** except im not stupid or lame so [middle finger emoji]

 **archiekins:** i embrace that about my personality

 **bettyboop:** i am stupid lame AND gay

 **veronica:** no youre only gay

 **bettyboop:** wow if i wanna be stupid & lame i will be

 **veronica:** k but. youre not stupid or lame irl ok

 **bettyboop:** neither are you bb <3

 **veronica:** i very suddenly haveto go

 **kevinkiller:** OKAY HON

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes madelaine petsch is 5’6 i googled it  
> high five to betty for obeying the legal drinking age law and the 21st amendment because ###government (betty is a government geek & so am i)  
> my brain is feeling weird as i write this so i apologize for however i fucked it up  
> &&& if you're wondering about the george carlin/religion is bullshit thing you are welcome to ask i thought it was rly interesting


	7. gaylationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jughead and Kevin grudgingly bonding, Cheryl's virginity, and Moose, kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear cheryl will be in here for real at some point i just need a good moment to introduce her
> 
> it’s mostly jughead and kevin in the beginning of this bc everyone else is asleep like a normal human being
> 
> also tw i guess for talking about cheryl’s virginity dont ask it’s a thing (OBVIOUSLY nothing explicit HAVE U MET ME)

 

_ Friday morning _

_ New text from  _ **_juggernaut_ ** _ to  _ **_stupid lame and gay_ **

**juggernaut:** good morning fuckers

**kevinkiller:** its 7am why are you AWAKE

**juggernaut:** i never sleep

**kevinkiller:** alright edward cullen

**juggernaut:** wow,,how dare you refer to me in terms of stephanie meyer’s atrocious work of fictional chaos,,,,,,

**kevinkiller:** say that in english pls

**juggernaut:** Dont Call Me Cullen Stephanie Sucks Dick

**kevinkiller:** ah

**kevinkiller:** just one more thing we have in common  then

**juggernaut:** i dont even want to know what the rest of the things on that list are

**kevinkiller:** we’re both rly pretty and like dogs

**juggernaut:** does stephanie meyer like dogs

**kevinkiller:** idk probably i mean who doesnt

**juggernaut:** fair enough

**archiekins:** go to SLEEP it is 7am on a friday

**juggernaut:** go back to bed archiekins

**archiekins:** i cant my phone keeps buzzing

**juggernaut:** So Turn It Off dumbass

**archiekins:** o rite

**archiekins:** ok goodnight

**juggernaut:** bye

**kevinkiller:** so why are you up at 7am on a friday with no school

**juggernaut:** im deflecting that question to you,,,,,why would you ever awaken before 10

**juggernaut:** dont you like ‘’’’Need your BeaUty Sleep’’’’’’’ or somethin

**kevinkiller:** yes but i have Obligations dearest amateur jughead

**kevinkiller:** like for example,,,,6am. wake up and shower. go back t osleep

**juggernaut:** what now

**kevinkiller:** yea so i wake up feeling refreshed

**juggernaut:** that s the lamest fucking shit ever why bother goign backto sleep 

**juggernaut:** how do you even fall asleep after a shower

**kevinkiller:** bc it’s 6am loser

**juggernaut:** of course

**kevinkiller:** 7am. wake up. be gay.

**kevinkiller:** 7:10 text cheryl

**juggernaut:** HWHY DO YOU ENJOY TORTURING YOURSELF IN THE MORNIGN

**juggernaut:** masochist

**kevinkiller:** no BINCH we update each other on latest gossip

**kevinkiller:** it’s a love-hate gaylationship

**juggernaut:** a gaylationship

**kevinkiller:** YEs, try to keep up

**juggernaut:** OH IM SORRY PLEASE BY ALL MEANS CARRY ON

**kevinkiller:** THANK you

**kevinkiller:** oh look she texted me

**juggernaut:** omg you were srs about that

**kevinkiller:** dead

**kevinkiller:** “well, boring brunnette neil patrick harris, since you haven’t texted me i guess i’m obliged to text you about what happened on my glamorous side of riverdale. i expect a full report of what happened on your bland side as well, fyi”

**juggernaut:** damn thats more words than my novel has 

**kevinkiller:** that’s rly depressing jughead

**juggernaut:** im kidding OBVBIOUsly what do yo uthink i do all those long hours at pop’s

**kevinkiller:** buzzfeed quizzes

**juggernaut:** i plead the 5th

**kevinkiller:** do you want to know whats happenign in cheryl’s life

**kevinkiller:** shes texting me about it right now

**juggernaut:** did you reply to her or does she just think she’s texting dead air

**kevinkiller:** i said “well, gay bitchy amy adams, you go first”

**juggernaut:** sometimes i wonder how you can think of these elaborate insults so fucking quickly

**juggernaut:** my repertoire is harry potter, bad twilight references, and the occasional tarantino quote

**kevinkiller:** your existence makes me depressed sometimes

**juggernaut:** ditto my friend *finger guns*

**kevinkiller:** oh…………………………………………………………...my,,,,god,,,,,!>>??

**juggernaut:** im not ACTUALLY shooting you kevin

**kevinkiller:** CLEARLY THATS NOT WHAT IM DYING OVER

**juggernaut:** know a fence but dont die

**juggernaut:** although. that would put a real spin on your kevinkiller username wouldnt it. heh

**kevinkiller:** JUGHEAD FOCUS

**juggernaut:** ON WHAT

**kevinkiller:** msg from cheryl: “honestly, i don’t know why i confide in you other than the fact that you’re a better gay than betty and josie already knows all of this”

**kevinkiller:** “but i digress. kevin keller i am about to divulge information to you that cannot leave this chat”

**juggernaut:** dont you think maybe you shouldnt tell us about it then

**juggernaut:** on account of “cannot leave this chat”, etcetc

**kevinkiller:** “last night josie and i had sex”

**juggernaut:** why in the name of jesus’s fifth cousin would you think IM interested in that EVEN REMOTELY

**kevinkiller:** NOT DONE

**kevinkiller:** “i have officially lost my virginity before you, which we all knew was going to happen”

**juggernaut:** …………………….done now?

**kevinkiller:** YES

**kevinkiller:** YOU MAY NOW FRREAK OUT

**juggernaut:** um

**juggernaut:** hurr durr cheryl blossom sexed josie hooray

**juggernaut:** am i freaking out right??

**kevinkiller:** THE QUEEN BITCH OF RIVERDALE HIGH, NAY, OF RIVERDALE ITSELF, WAS A VIRGIN BEFORE LAST NIGHT

**juggernaut:** okay……………….,,,,,and

**kevinkiller:** youre so boring

**kevinkiller:** can you just PRETEND you care

**juggernaut:** WELL GOSH DIDDLY HOLY MOSES FLIPPIN FLAPJACKS, KEVIN! ANOTHER ONE’S LOST THEIR VIRGINITY!!! BY THE NAME OF THE LORD WE ARE ALL SLUTS IN THS TOWN!!!!

**kevinkiller:** i cant decide if that was better or worse than the way you were reacting before

**juggernaut:** im the wrong person to come to for a dramatic reaction

**kevinkiller:** youre right HWHERE ARE BETTY AND VERONICA

**bettyboop:** hi m

**kevinkiller:** ...him what

**bettyboop:** #*hi

**kevinkiller:** good morning sunshine PLEASE READ ABOVE CHAT

**bettyboop:** cant relly mobve

**bettyboop:** vrnonica is hoilding me rly tighht

**kevinkiller:** oh my god did you fall asleep spooning

**bettyboop:** mmhm

**bettyboop:** her bedd is v comfy

**juggernaut:** wow,

**juggernaut:** my single sad tear of Lonely™ is real 

**kevinkiller:** yea why didnt you just sleep over at archie’s dude

**juggernaut:** i never took yo u for the type of person to say dude

**juggernaut:** he drove me home like a Good Boyfriend

**bettyboop:** aw

**bettyboop:** im gayer ha ###succkers

**juggernaut:** yeah because youre a FLAMING LESBIAN

**bettyboop:** you bet iam

**kevinkiller:** betty…...honey,,,,, WHY ARE WE LETTING THIS GO

**juggernaut:** id like to express a complaint

**juggernaut:** ever since you joined the chat everything is a Thing

**kevinkiller:** the queen bitch of rhs and riverdale was a virgin until last night

**bettyboop:** MG WHAT

**bettyboop:** *OMG

**bettyboop:** SDID SHE DO IT W JOSIE

**bettyboop:** DKdfjKDdkjdRkd

**bettyboop:** im shocked it took thisd long

**kevinkiller:** SEE JUGHEAD

**kevinkiller:** it’s just your dumb aversion to gossip not me blowing shit out of proportion

**juggernaut:** can we agree that its both

**juggernaut:** also i am NOT averse to gossip, im a novelist, you dinosaur

**juggernaut:** i just dont give one (1) Fuck about cheryl blossom’s sex life

**kevinkiller:** WHATEVER

**bettyboop:** mm im goimng back t sleep its easryl

**bettyboop:** early

**juggernaut:** alright 

**juggernaut:** ugugugughgughugugh jell y is up

**juggernaut:** kevin this is where i leave you, i must tend to my younger sister, shes asking for pancakes

**kevinkiller:** can I have pancakes???

**juggernaut:** are YOU my younger sister??

**juggernaut:** answer: no. to both

**kevinkiller:** ugh fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

**juggernaut:** that was unnecessarily long

**kevinkiller:** just expressing my displeasure

**kevinkiller:** :)

* * *

 

**veronica:** jesus, talk much?

**juggernaut:** jesus, sleep much?

**veronica:** um, yes, like a normal human being would on a long weekend, you fucker

**juggernaut:** shh

**bettyboop:** i would just like to state for the record that taylor and gabriella are both hella bi and should definitely date

**kevinkiller:** you know who should definitely get a bf??

**archiekins:** if you say yourself im gonna kick you from the chat

**juggernaut:** wow my boyfriend learns so fast

**archiekins:** say boyfriend again

**juggernaut:** no

**archiekins:** fine asshole

**veronica:** your relationship confuses me

**bettyboop:** my girlfriend’s bed is so comfy guys

**kevinkiller:** ;) ;)

**_bettyboop_ ** _ has removed  _ **_kevinkiller_ ** _ from the chat _

**juggernaut:** DAMN you beat me to it

**bettyboop:** there r some lines u just dont cross

**veronica:** dont blame him he’s lonely and craves affection

**_veronica_ ** _ has added  _ **_kevinkiller_ ** _ to the chat _

**bettyboop:** sorry bb

**kevinkiller:** ‘s all good

**archiekins:** heyheyheyheyhey

**kevinkiller:** whatwhatwhatwhatwhat

**juggernaut:** thats so incrtedibly obnoxious

**kevinkiller:** r00d

**archiekins:** kevin……….we needa talk

**kevinkiller:** so talk

 

_ New text from  _ **_archiekins_ ** _ to  _ **_kevinkiller_ **

**archiekins:** privately i mean

**kevinkiller:** o shit

**kevinkiller:** um ok whatcha need??

**archiekins:** i think

**archiekins:** i think moose is gay

**kevinkiller:** yea no the fcuk shit

**archiekins:** ??

**kevinkiller:** andrews. we have already established this. YOUR GAYDAR SUCKS ASS

**archiekins:** OK BUT HE’S SO SHIFTY ABOUT IT

**archiekins:** legit i was like “hey guys i have a boyfriend” and everyone was like lol alright archie coolcoolcool whatever

**archiekins:** but moose was like SO??? WHO CARES??? IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, BEING GAY IS NORMAL, KEVIN IS GAY, BETTY IS GAY, WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER??? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN TELL US????

**kevinkiller:** im honestly surprised he knows my name

**archiekins:** POINT BEING i need you to talk to him

**kevinkiller:** hahhaahhaahahhahaha ginger stallion youre cute but no

**archiekins:** ginger stallion?

**archiekins:** im ignoring that

**archiekins:** please?? he’s my friend and im worried he’s having a sexuality crisis

**kevinkiller:** he’ll get over it

**archiekins:** bro

**kevinkiller:** im notchur bro

**archiekins:** please

**kevinkiller:** ………………………..

**kevinkiller:** FUCKIGN FINE

**kevinkiller:** tell him to meet me in the boys bathroom before lunch on monday ill talk to him then

**kevinkiller:** honestly idk what you want me to say

**kevinkiller:** betty is so much better with people,,,and interacting with them,,,than me,

**archiekins:** yeah but youre a gay guy so you’ll just. get it 

**kevinkiller:** Yes Because All Gay Guys Are The Same Human Being

**archiekins:** shut up u kno what i mean

**kevinkiller:** im going to take a nap it’s too early for this

**archiekins:** it’s noon

**kevinkiller:** case in point

**archiekins:** alright well iiiiii am going to watch jelly’s dress rehearsal with my BOYFRIEND

**kevinkiller:** bragging is unbecoming

**archiekins:** dont care, too busy Having a Boyfriend

**kevinkiller:** [middle finger emoji]

**archiekins:** r00d

**kevinkiller:** how dare you throw my catchphrase back in my face like a BRICK

 

_ New text from  _ **_kevinkiller_ ** _ to  _ **_bettyboop_ **

**kevinkiller:** ughhguguughghh archie is making me confront moose

**bettyboop:** about???

**kevinkiller:** his gayness

**bettyboop:** oh

**bettyboop:** wow im offended he didnt ask me

**kevinkiller:** believe me, i am too

**bettyboop:** just be a Tru Bro

**bettyboop:** listen. kevin,,,,,listen buddy, broo,,,, my dude my guy my good friend my Gay Pal,,,

**kevinkiller:** im LISTENING

**bettyboop:** veronica is so cute i think im going to die

**kevinkiller:** listen LISTEN listen listen,,,betty,elizabeth cooper,,, dearest,, wonderful gay, wonderful gay friend of mine, my darling,,,,, honey,

**bettyboop:** yes

**kevinkiller:** FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS’S MOTHER-IN-LAW PLEASE GAY OUT OVER YOUR FANTASTIC GAY LOVING RELATIONSHIP TO SOMEONE WHO ISN’T ME

**kevinkiller:** I AM SUFFERING FROM FIFTH WHEEL SYNDROME AND I DO NOT NEED THIS

**bettyboop:** alright alright i digress ur right

**bettyboop:** SORRY KEV I STILL LOVE U SM

**kevinkiller:** its ok lol

**bettyboop:** do u wanna like. go get ice cream or something

**kevinkiller:** obviously the answer to that is yes

**bettyboop:** my treat

**kevinkiller:** actually ice cream is everyone’s treat

**bettyboop:** i will REDACT the invitation

**kevinkiller:** sorrysorry ily

**bettyboop:** meet u at Javier’s Ice Cream in ten??

**kevinkiller:** are you still at veronica’s

**bettyboop:** YES and SHE LOANED ME ONE OF HER SHIRTS

**bettyboop:** IM SO TINGLY AAAA

**bettyboop:** sorry sorry omfg i wont fangirl over my relationship anymore im jst happy ok

**kevinkiller:** …,,,,

**kevinkiller:** no u know what

**kevinkiller:** fuck that noise, fangirl all u want

**kevinkiller:** you 100000000000% deserve the best goddamn relationship ever 

**kevinkiller:** by all means im so happy ur happy

**kevinkiller:** My Forever Boy will come along in due time

**bettyboop:** babe,,,,,,,,,,i love you so much

**kevinkiller:** aw hon i love u too

**kevinkiller:** also i found a new palette of eyeshadow and i feel like it would just Work perfectly on you so after javier’s we are GOING to test it out

**bettyboop:** IS IT PINK

**kevinkiller:** youre such a lesbian no oh my god

**bettyboop:** um i’m such a lesbian??? youre such a gay “i found a new palette of eyeshadow”

**kevinkiller:** i like to embrace my stereotypes

**kevinkiller:** anyway it’s blue

**kevinkiller:** electric

**kevinkiller:** a stretch and totally not your style but youll rock it anyway because youre hot and you can Rock Anything

**bettyboop:** kevin youre so great i love you

**kevinkiller:** i love me too

**kevinkiller:** KIDDING i love you too <3 lmao

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> javier’s ice cream is the name of the ice cream shop where betty & veronica had their first not-date, i have a whole fic about it, if you want to read it just ….let me know
> 
> also i never mentioned this but...if you guys like,,,,have requests or...stuff you want to happen….feel free to mention them
> 
> i obviously cant make everything happen but there’s no consistency whatsoever in this fic so by all means hit me with your suggestions and all your hearts’ desires
> 
> and last thing: i feel like in the show, kevin brushed moose off about his sexuality crisis and it was a really asshole move - like, moose was probably already having this horrible panic in his head and he definitely didn’t need to be invalidated like that, to be told to just stick with being ““straight””. so yeah i’m pissed at kevin for that and he deserves retribution and remorse, which he will have in the succeeding chapters of this. OKAY THAT’S ALL SORRY THIS IS LONG


	8. enter: cheryl and joaquin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl and Kevin are both gay, surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops it's been a relative while since i updated this sorry anyway here's this chapter & it may be some time before the next one because 1) riverdale's on a break and 2) i dont have anything written and also 3) im a procrastinator but this is not an abandoned work yet, paciencia y fe
> 
> also: if you have any username ideas for joaquin please send them my way?? im drawing a total blank i would highly appreciate any help thank you very much okay onwards

 

_ Saturday _

_ New text from  _ **_cherylbombshell_ ** _ to  _ **_veronica_ **

**cherylbombshell:** hello veronica lodge

**veronica:** what an unpleasantly pleasant surprise

**cherylbombshell:** i heard that you and betty cooper are a Thing now

**veronica:** good to know you have eyes and ears

**cherylbombshell:** i just want to make it crystal clear that this...lesbianism may in no way affect the Vixens and your performance on the team or i WILL reconsider 

**veronica:** wait

**veronica:** wait what??

**cherylbombshell:** do you need glasses? i’m telling you you’re on the squad

**veronica:** oh

**veronica:** NICE

**veronica:** i mean thank you cherylbombshell we won’t let you down

**cherylbombshell:** we?

**cherylbombshell:** oh, you think betty is included in this. that’s adorable

**veronica:** she…...she’s not?

**cherylbombshell:** no, ellen degeneres, she’s not

**veronica:** actually ellen is a blonde lesbian so that would be more accurate to betty anyway but

**veronica:** um,,,why not??

**cherylbombshell:** she wasn’t good enough obviously

**veronica:** no way, she was just as good as me

**cherylbombshell:** i made my decision, veronica lodge. don’t make me regret it

**veronica:** now hold on, i’m not through with you

**cherylbombshell:** well i’m through with you

**veronica:** FUCK you cheryl blossom

**veronica:** betty cooper deserves to be on the squad just as much as i do, probably more

**veronica:** she’s such a good person 

**veronica:** betty and i come as a matching set

**veronica:** you want one, you take us both

**veronica:** comprende?

**cherylbombshell:** ………………………….you do NOT want me as an enemy, lodge

**veronica:** i have zero intention of making you my enemy

**veronica:** i was actually hoping to be friends

**cherylbombshell:** which was clear from your text messages

**veronica:** betty and her happiness are important to me. she really wants to be on the squad cheryl

**veronica:** give her a chance please just

**cherylbombshell:** fine, jesus, your gayness is choking me

**veronica:** ugh shut up we all know youre a fucking lesbian

**cherylbombshell:** im insulted you would insinuate such a thing

**veronica:** i bet josie would be insulted if she saw that message

**cherylbombshell:** well

**cherylbombshell:** i’ll give you this; you’re not bad, lodge. not bad at all

**veronica:** the name’s bond, james bond

**veronica:** sorry that was an instinct

**cherylbombshell:** barf, nerd

**cherylbombshell:** how do you know about me and josie anyway

**veronica:** i’m god’s right hand man

**cherylbombshell:** you what

**veronica:** jk

**veronica:** i like to know the bitches before i meet them

**veronica:** plus she told me

**cherylbombshell:** sigh

**veronica:** listen cheryl i dont wanna bitchfight with you constantly

**veronica:** mostly because i’ll win but still

**veronica:** cant we just be friends

**cherylbombshell:** oh sweetheart

**cherylbombshell:** it’s gonna take a lot more than that

**veronica:** mani-pedis and a nighttime swim in sweetwater river?

**cherylbombshell:** for starters. what time

**veronica:** thought so   


 

_ New text from  _ **_veronica_ ** _ to  _ **_stupid lame and gay_ **

**veronica:** so i just tentatively befriended cheryl blossom thru mani pedis and swimming

**bettyboop:** UGH WHY

**bettyboop:** did she bribe you

**veronica:** the opposite , actually

**veronica:** we’re on the squad babe

**bettyboop:** wAIT REALLY

**veronica:** mmhm

**juggernaut:** hooray two more bitches in our midst

**_veronica_ ** _ has removed  _ **_juggernaut_ ** _ from the chat _

**bettyboop:** OHMYGOHDO HO MY GODH OH M GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODH SDF KLFJKSLDJFSJ J FUCK KDLFJKSDLJ THANK YOU HANK YUO TANK YUTHANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! THNKA OYU VERONICA YOURE THE BEST PERSON EVER AND YOURE SUCH A GREAT GIRLFRIEND I SM SO LUCKY ILYSMW TF

**veronica:** wow

**veronica:** youre welcome betty it was my pleasure

**_archiekins_ ** _ has added  _ **_juggernaut_ ** _ to the chat _

**juggernaut:** ugh it was nicer outside the chat

**archiekins:** jughead is such a fraud he just texted me asking to add him back in

**juggernaut:** i have abandonment issues let me LIVE

**archiekins:** in other news my phone just crashed from that msg betty

**bettyboop:** YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND

**bettyboop:** YOU always get the thing, youve been on the football team since last year, we ALL know youre next in line for captain/qb when jason graduates

**bettyboop:** you have no IDEA 

**archiekins:** alrightalright i digress i never said i did

**kevinkiller:** youre on the squad????

**kevinkiller:** HOLY SHIT HOORAY IM SO PROUD OF MY LIL GIRL BETS

**kevinkiller:** noah fence but veronica……..what kinda shit did u pull to get that to happen

**kevinkiller:** i mean betty is good and deserves it but cheryl is as sweet as a rotted lemon

**veronica:** my dazzling good looks mixed with my ability to bribe and blackmail people just subtly enough that they dont realize theyre being blackmailed

**archiekins:** yeah but betty can break into a car

**archiekins:** CANt you betty

**veronica:** thats hot

**bettyboop:** IT WAS ONE TIME

**archiekins:** YOU FELL ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT

**bettyboop:** I LEFT MY JACKET THERE AND IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE

**juggernaut:** oh i remember that

**veronica:** i hate being new i dont have any Cool Lame Memories

**juggernaut:** im sure you have thousands of lame memories from your existence,,,in general,,

**veronica:** fuck you jones

**juggernaut:** now would you say that to your god

**veronica:** yes

**veronica:** i reiterate, fuck you jones

**juggernaut:** fair enough

**kevinkiller:** hey

**kevinkiller:** heyyy guess what weirdos and gays

**bettyboop:** i luv how no one here is Straight

**juggernaut:** it’s Spincy

**archiekins:** it’s WHAT

**veronica:** was that a miranda sings reference please god tell me it was

**juggernaut:** since you said please god i will indulge you

**juggernaut:** yes it was

**veronica:** WOW I LOVE YOU JUGHEAD

**bettyboop:** cant believe she said it to you before me smh

**juggernaut:** ugh, i might have to boycott miranda sings

**juggernaut:** fyi i actually hate her i just like the way she says spicy

**veronica:** it’s hard to translate that to typed out words i agree

**archiekins:** this conversation 100% lost me so lets go back to whatever kevin was saying

**kevinkiller:** thank you darlin

**kevinkiller:** sooo guess who met a guyyyyyy

**juggernaut:** obama

**kevinkiller:** no?

**juggernaut:** beats me

**kevinkiller:** ME I DID I MET A GUY

**kevinkiller:** on a related note, GUESS WHO MADE OUT WITH A GUY

**veronica:** OMG BB SO PROUD

**bettyboop:** when did……..wh,,,,,,,,,,,when the fuc,k,,,,,,

**kevinkiller:** i was at the drive-in watching pulp fiction

**juggernaut:** a classic tarantino film

**kevinkiller:** and went 2 get more snackage and this guy comes up 2 me

**kevinkiller:** i was like ho-ly-shIT he’s hot

**kevinkiller:** he seemed distinctly not-gay bc he had like a leather jacket and this AMAZING hair like GREAT hair but he was glaring really seriously at me 

**kevinkiller:** but then i was like “.................he’s gay” in my head and i just knew it to be true

**veronica:** and the lord said Let Him Be Gay. and he Was Gay, and all Was Well

**juggernaut:** i said no such thing

**kevinkiller:** LONG STORY SHORT FIVE MINUTES LATER WE’RE SUCKING FACE NEAR THE FENCE im gna spare u the details bc jughead but HOT DAMN

**juggernaut:** im not a robot guys i dont care if you describe your makeout sessions

**juggernaut:** i appreciate the courtesy but , ill be fine as long as u keep it in your FUCKIN G pants

**juggernaut:** wait omg

**juggernaut:** is that where you vanished to like twenty minutes before the movie ended

**kevinkiller:** YES why were u watching me

**juggernaut:** bc i dont know anyone else and i was bored??

**kevinkiller:** so watch……………….the movie……………………………..

**juggernaut:** ok you kNOW WHAT

**archiekins:** kevin we’re really happy for you

**bettyboop:** IM SO HAPPY 4 U BABE U FINALLY GOT UR GAY SOULMATE

**kevinkiller:** cough cough um im not Finished???

**veronica:** naturally

**kevinkiller:** anyway after like fifteen minutes i was like i gtg the movie’s nearly over & ….u kno

**kevinkiller:** and then he said his name is joaquin (gaspu such a beautiful name amirite)

**kevinkiller:** so i gave him my ##  like the smooth fucker i am

**kevinkiller:** and he read my contact name

**kevinkiller:** and he was like

**kevinkiller:** “keller?? as in.,,,,,,,,,,,sheriff keller keller???” and got like rly stuttery (which was really fucking cute fyi)

**kevinkiller:** so i was like um is that a problem? and silently praying that jesus have mercy and let me have Just This One Thing

**kevinkiller:** & then he was like “uh, is THIS  a problem?” and rolls up his sleeve

**kevinkiller:** and theres a fuckin g snake tattoo

**kevinkiller:** GUYS HES A SOUTHSIDE SERPENT

**bettyboop:** um.

**bettyboop:** wh h at 

**veronica:** omfg forbidden love that’s so romantic and clandestine

**bettyboop:** very romeo & juliet

**juggernaut:** FUCK YOU ROMEO AND JULIET IS THE MOST BULLSHIT FUCKING STORY IN THE HISTORY OF ALL STORIES EVER WRITTEN OR CREATED IT CAN BURN

**bettyboop:** whhoaooooa easy tiger

**archiekins:** jesus jughead

**juggernaut:** sorrynotsorry but romeo and juliet is shit wrapped in shit consumed by a fucking ass and then shat out

**veronica:** that’s disgusting, jughead

**juggernaut:** imagery is what i do im a writer

**kevinkiller:** HEY 

**kevinkiller:** BIGGER SNAKES TO FRY HERE

**kevinkiller:** i said i wont tell if you wont but i rly like him even tho..we did nt rly talk

**kevinkiller:** he hasnt texted me but i can feel it in my Soul that hes gonna

**kevinkiller:** im like electric all over

**juggernaut:** 0% of us care about your love life and electricity kevin

**bettyboop:** I CARE

**veronica:** ME TOO

**juggernaut:** 8% of us care about your love life and electricity kevin. majority rules

**juggernaut:** & by majority i mean me because i am god

**archiekins:** your god complex slightly concerns me every so often

**juggernaut:** i make up for my inferiority complex by projecting a false superiority complex

**veronica:** thats so depressing are you okay

**juggernaut:** grand

**kevinkiller:** YALL ITS LIKE THE HEAVENS ARE READIN MY MIND

**kevinkiller:** HETEXTEDME.png

**bettyboop:** omg he capitalized the word hello that’s so adorable

**veronica:** HE JUST SOUNDS CUTE OVER TEXT

**bettyboop:** Soft™ 

**archiekins:** all he said was hello is this kevin

**veronica:** um, wrong

**veronica:** he said

**veronica:** Hello?

**veronica:** Is this Kevin?

**kevinkiller:** i KNOW IT’S SO ENDEARING I FUCKING DJKFJKDJ FUCK

**veronica:** TEXT HIM BACK STUPID

**kevinkiller:** o right i probably should

**archiekins:** what r u gonna say

**juggernaut:** honestly this is boring im gonna go binge HTGAWM

**juggernaut:** for no chat-related reasons whatsoever at all

**archiekins:** bye juggie <3

**juggernaut:** <3

**bettyboop:** jughead needs to work on emoting

**archiekins:** he does emote

**archiekins:** just…………...mostly negative emotions

**veronica:** i know he jokes a lot but im very very very slightly concerned for his mental health

**archiekins:** ill keep an eye out i think hes okay

**archiekins:** but we just dont know

**kevinkiller:** “yes is this joaquin?”

**kevinkiller:** “Yes, thank god, I worried you gave me a fake number”

**bettyboop:** he writes in full sentences i love him

**kevinkiller:** ok i am just gonna text him and leave yall now 

**veronica:** OKAY BUT WE LOVE YOU AND WE’RE HAPPY 4 U

**veronica:** TELL YOUR MAN WE ENDORSE UR RELATIONSHIP AND WONT TELL ANYONE

**bettyboop:** yeah what she said

**archiekins:** ^^^^

**kevinkiller:** thx yall are the best friends ever i love you gays

**archiekins: ***** guys?

**kevinkiller:** no i definitely meant gays

 

_ New text from  _ **_kevinkiller_ ** _ to  _ **_joaquin_ **

**kevinkiller:** not to someone as cute as u

**joaquin:** Very smooth

**joaquin:** Did you get home ok last night?

**kevinkiller:** i did

**kevinkiller:** totally lying to you i started laughing with giddiness like five minutes after i left

**joaquin:** Aww

**kevinkiller:** hey so listen

**kevinkiller:** i told my friends about this, is that okay?

**joaquin:** ...Do they have anything against the SS?

**kevinkiller:** no, ofc not

**kevinkiller:** well. not you particularly anyway. they’ll get over it

**kevinkiller:** i promise theyre trustworthy theyre great ppl seriously

**joaquin:** I trust you

**kevinkiller:** aww babe

**joaquin:** I’d like to see you again

**joaquin:** But...that probably can’t work

**kevinkiller:** look

**kevinkiller:** we can figure it out

**kevinkiller:** hey, worst case scenario we just have a LOT of dates at the drive-in

**joaquin:** Haha  I guess so

**kevinkiller:** and my friend works @ the drive in so he can do some epic 007 bond shit and make sure we get our privacy

**joaquin:** That sounds good to me

**kevinkiller:** hey can i ask u smth

**joaquin:** Yes

**kevinkiller:** you sound so,,,,,,,,,,polite over text

**kevinkiller:** why?

**joaquin:** Manners are everything

**kevinkiller:** really???

**joaquin:** Well

**joaquin:** I don’t see a reason to sound silly while texting yknow what I mean?

**kevinkiller:** unfortunately no i always sound like a dumbass when txting but

**kevinkiller:** i think it’s charming & endearing

**joaquin:** Maybe I just do it to pick up guys, you’ll never know ;)

**kevinkiller:** as long as ur only pickin ME up

**joaquin:** For now

**kevinkiller:** wow, hard to get much??

**joaquin:** I’m actually painfully easy to get

**joaquin:** Also, you’re extremely cute

**kevinkiller:** boy does it feel good to hear those words when theyre coming from another gay male who’s attracted 2 me

**joaquin:** ...As opposed to

**kevinkiller:** my friends, or myself in the mirror

**kevinkiller:** or, in severe cases, my dad

**joaquin:** Yikes

**kevinkiller:** by the way

**kevinkiller:** ………...i know it’s probably a terrible idea to tell my dad as he’s the sheriff & all 

**kevinkiller:** but if u ever…...wanted to...im sure i could figure out a way to soften the blow

**kevinkiller:** plus ifhe met u he’d know youre such a great guy

**joaquin:** Kevin...did you tell your dad?

**kevinkiller:** NO NO no way i wouldnt do that w/o asking

**kevinkiller:** just saying for the FUTURE

**joaquin:** Future hm

**kevinkiller:** you sneak

**joaquin:** No, I like it

**joaquin:** Okay I gotta go

**joaquin:** Deal drugs and commit homicide and other illegal things

**kevinkiller:** uh

**joaquin:** Kidding, it’s my day to walk the barrio dog

**kevinkiller:** jesus fucking christ i had a small heart attack

**kevinkiller:** what’s a barrio

**joaquin:** Neighborhood

**kevinkiller:** that is so cute do you speak spanish

**joaquin:** Yes I’m Dominican

**kevinkiller:** oh my goodness

**kevinkiller:** im overwhelmed with how charming you are i gotta go too adios

**joaquin:** Haha adios

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> joaquin is dominican and i love him full stop


	9. coming out: the sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a little unexpected, but I really needed to get it out there, so.  
> Breakups, Kevin being a bit of an ass, and re-coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just gonna....let you guys read it  
> also consistency and timing??? what's that???? from now on this whole fic happens in a time bubble and i say fuck canon

_New text from **bettyboop** to  **stupid lame and gay**_

**bettyboop:** im gonna cry

**juggernaut:** good. Cry

**veronica:** omg why babe

**bettyboop:** Jasmine cephas jones is too pretty for her own good

**bettyboop:** we’re all gonna fucjckjngfjk get obliterated by her beauty

**veronica:** holyshit rt rt

**archiekins:** who the fuck

**bettyboop:** ur not invited to this conversation only wlw can take part

**kevinkiller:** shit

**bettyboop:** and kevin

**kevinkiller:** nicE

**kevinkiller:** cuz she got a nice ass haircut and goddamn it looks good

**juggernaut:** good keep your Broadway actresses to yourselves u feckin weirdos

**veronica:** don't be a bitch

**juggernaut:** im an angel idk what you're talkin abt

**veronica:** [middle finger emoji]

**juggernaut:** :)

**archiekins:** I feel excluded

**juggernaut:** no one Cares

**archiekins:** my boyfriend is so mean to me

**juggernaut:** it comes from a place of love and affection tho

**bettyboop:** no it doesnt

**juggernaut:** no it doesnt

**archiekins:** hey kev…...my good man………

**kevinkiller:** YES I TALKED TO MOOSE

**archiekins:** WELL YOU WERENT SUPPOSED 2 SHOUT IT IN THE GC

**kevinkiller:** WELL IF U HADNT BROUGHT IT UP

**veronica:** talked to moose about what

**juggernaut:** did he talk back to u? I don't think he has that mental function

**archiekins:** thats rude

**juggernaut:** have you literally ever met me

**archiekins:** I'm your boyfriend you ass

**juggernaut:** and….,,,,,?.

**kevinkiller:** he's confused archie and he's still dating that midge girl I told him to just figure it out himself

**archiekins:** kevin

**kevinkiller:** W H A T he hit on me I panicked

**veronica:** moose hit on u?

**kevinkiller:** yea bc I'm irresistible

**bettyboop:** U go girl

**juggernaut:** lmao

**kevinkiller:** don't lmao me

**juggernaut:** lmfao

**kevinkiller:** this chat is toxic

**veronica:** aw honey ily

**bettyboop:** me too boo

**juggernaut:** I'm gonna vomit

**archiekins:** KEVIN

**archiekins:** HE’S CONFLICTED!!! u were meant to HELP HIM OUT

**veronica:** im really confused

**veronica:** well like 2%

**juggernaut:** is that a variation from the normal 1%

**veronica:** yes

**juggernaut:** sucks

**kevinkiller:** listen archie idk what u want from me

**kevinkiller:** if ur so obsessed about it literally talk to him urself

**archiekins:** binch…….if he werent such a Dumbass i WOULD

**archiekins:** i enlisted u as a Gay but clearly u are underqualified

**archiekins:** betty i need your help

**bettyboop:** u finally realize this

**archiekins:** u gotta talk to moose he’s gonna spontaneously combust if he doesnt come out

**kevinkiller:** noah fence but i think hitting on me ……..p much coming out……………….

**juggernaut:** dont be an asshole kevin

**juggernaut:** cut ur losses and shut the Fuck up

**kevinkiller:** fair. im gonna go binge glee

**juggernaut:** thats so fucking Gay

**archiekins:** sigh sigh sigjh

**bettyboop:** ill take care of it archie its gonna be All Good

**veronica:** CAN YALL EXPLAIN PLS

**bettyboop:** moose is gay and internalized homophobia is making him think hes not and archie is worried and kevin was an asshole

**veronica:** o

**veronica:** sounds right

**juggernaut:** new subject im bored

**juggernaut:** veronica your username is fucking boring

**archiekins:** hey jughead jughead juggie jug juggernaut jugheaddddddddddd

**juggernaut:** W H  A T

**archiekins:** can we talk

**juggernaut:** LATER, im reassigning veronicas username

**veronica:** no way bintch

**juggernaut:** yes, it’s depressing

**veronica:** fine. brainstorm session. throw out your ideas . safe space

**archiekins:** ronniekins

**veronica:** no, fuck off, Burn In Hell

**archiekins:** “‘“””””””’safe space””””””””

**veronica:** except for archie who cant use his four brain cells for good

**archiekins:** fuck this chat is so toxic

**bettyboop:** ily tho

**archiekins:** gay

**bettyboop:** thats the straightest thing ive ever said and i have a girlfriend

**veronica:** maybe my user should just be

**veronica:** bettysgirlfriend

**bettyboop:** THAT SSO GAY HOLY SHIT I LOVE U RON

**veronica:** babe <3

**juggernaut:** no love we die like men

**juggernaut:** icequeen

**veronica:** oh fuck that’s really good

**veronica:** alright blah ill change it like tomorrow or something

**juggernaut:** good u do that

**archiekins:** that was easy. JUGHEAD can we PLEASE talk now

**juggernaut:** YES but im not leaving my house so if u wanna talk it’ll have to be either here or via text

**archiekins:** this isnt really a text conversation

**juggernaut:** kjdfkldsjkdljsfksj FUCK THAT IM NOT MOVING

**archiekins:** WELL NEITHER AM I SO FINE

**veronica:** yall are so compatible i can see ur relationship is flourishing

**archiekins:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**juggernaut:** are we just not…..talki.n…...then………

**archiekins:** it wasnt important nvm

**juggernaut:** sorry babe

**archiekins:** it’s ok

**archiekins:** s...omewhat

  
  


_New text from_ **_archiekins_ ** _to_ **_bettyboop, veronica_ **

**archiekins:** our relationship is NOT flourishing and also JUGHEAD DOESNT LIKE ME

**bettyboop:** that’s so untrue he adores you

**veronica:** shit whats wrong

**veronica:** is everything ok with u two?????????/

**archiekins:** no he clearly doesnt like me like that

**archiekins:** and….u kno what………………..

**archiekins:** lowkey regret dating him???? i fuckin love jughead but,,,not like that,

**bettyboop:** oh my god what are you talking about???

**bettyboop:** you two are adorable

**archiekins:** k but like. nothing has CVHANGED since we started dating

**archiekins:** the only different thing is i now feel obliged to Hold his Hand and stuff

**archiekins:** and like we go on “””dates”””’ but theyre not dates it’s jsut…..us…..hanging out

**archiekins:** idk i think we’re just better as friends ok whatever

**bettyboop:** veronica talk to him

**veronica:** he fucking hates me why wo uld i

**bettyboop:** exactly so he’ll be brutal

**bettyboop:** youre our recon woman. GO dearest be safe

**veronica:** holy fucking hell the things i do for you

**bettyboop:** <3

  


_New text from_ **_veronica_ ** _to_ **_juggernaut_ **

**veronica:** hey

**juggernaut:** groan it’s you

**juggernaut:** everyone stopped talking in the gc and i hoped it meant you had all died

**veronica:** archie included?

**juggernaut:** no hes my boyfriend asshole jesus christ

**veronica:** dont be a Manly Man in front of me i see right thru it

**juggernaut:** ofc i don’t want archie or any of you to die that was a fucking joke wth

**veronica:** I KNOW THAT

**juggernaut:** WELL GOOD

**veronica:** i mean u…...dont seem………….so invested in him,,,,,,,,like i am w betty

**juggernaut:** and

**veronica:** and im curious if u even still like him like that

**juggernaut:** it’s been like four days

**juggernaut:** even if i eventually do stop liking him like that it takes longer for it to go away

**juggernaut:** right?

**veronica:** are you asking me because you don’t know

**veronica:** not necessarily???

**veronica:** esp if…..u never had…..the feelings………..to begin with………………..

**veronica:** safe space dude

**veronica:** real safe space not groupchat safe space where we bully archie

**juggernaut:** what the fuck man ok here we go

**juggernaut:** time for Confessions

**juggernaut:** only dont go spreading this shit around bc it’s Private

**veronica:** im flattened

**juggernaut:** dont ruin it

**veronica:** not ruining it

**juggernaut:** i think im aroace?????????????

**juggernaut:** i feel like an asshole for leading on archie

**juggernaut:** plus i kept thinking Obviously I Like Archie He’s Pretty And You Know Him So Well You Must Be In Love

**juggernaut:** but im not, i just……………..like him…...as a human………….

**juggernaut:** hes a fucking dolt most of the time tbh

**juggernaut:** romance doesnt do it for me

**juggernaut:** thats dujmb but whatever

**veronica:** it’s not dumb, it’s legit, dude

**veronica:** plus its obviously not ur fault

**veronica:** middle finger @ society for projecting romance on erryone

**veronica:** so you don’t like archie

**juggernaut:** NO BUT I DONT WANNA BREAK HIS HEART HE’S MY BEST FRIEND THE FUCK DO I DO

**veronica:** break up with him i guarantee it will make everything 500 times better

**veronica:** [archieconfessional.jpg]

**juggernaut:** this is the stupidest thing ever oh my god

**juggernaut:** ggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuckin g fine ill break up with him

  


_New text from_ **_juggernaut_ ** _to_ **_archiekins_ **

**juggernaut:** ok archie listen

**juggernaut:** i know u wanna break up with me

**archiekins:** what,,,,,,,,,,,

**juggernaut:** but thats ok bc i wanna break up with u too

**juggernaut:** and then we can go back to being best friends, no damage done

**archiekins:** veronica is such a good recon woman

**juggernaut:** idk why i even spoke to her

**juggernaut:** shes a bitch

**archiekins:** shes wonderful

**archiekins:** are we mutually breaking up now

**juggernaut:** yes and then i am gonna re-come out to the group chat

**archiekins:** wot

**juggernaut:** nogthing

**archiekins:** juggie what

**juggernaut:** can u read

**juggernaut:** i said nothing

**archiekins:** you said nogthing

**juggernaut:** [middle finger emoji]

**archiekins:** it was good while it lasted

 

_New text from_ **_juggernaut_ ** _to_ **_stupid lame and gay_ **

**juggernaut:** hi everyone im jughead jones and i just broke up with my boyfriend also im aroace any questions no good excellent gbye

**archiekins:**?/ that explains so fucking much

**bettyboop:** it really does actually

**kevinkiller:** wait WHAT

**kevinkiller:** my otp down the drain

**kevinkiller:** kidding, that’s fine and we accept u jughead

**archiekins:** im still mad at you for blowing off moose

**kevinkiller:** oh my god look im SORRY ill make it up to him ok

**kevinkiller:** ill talk to him tomorrow how about that

**kevinkiller:** and then everything will be resolved

**bettyboop:** so youre officially broken up

**juggernaut:** yes thank god

**archiekins:** im offended

**juggernaut:** tough

**juggernaut:** im going to take a nap bye

**archiekins:** it’s 4pm

**juggernaut:** your point??

**veronica:** wow insane crazy revelations i had no part in

**juggernaut:** hshut up bitch

**bettyboop:** hey ronnie now that we’re the Prevailing Gays

**veronica:** we were always the Prevailing Gays

**bettyboop:** thats tru

**bettyboop:** wanna go on a date to the drive in with me tonight

**juggernaut:** NO i forbid that

**bettyboop:** u literally cant

**juggernaut:** fine but if u guys sit right in front of the house thing and make out the whole time im banishing you

**veronica:** THAT WASJ UST ONE TIME TO SPITE U

**juggernaut:** IT WAS ONE TOO MANY

**bettyboop:** F I N E jughead

**kevinkiller:** ok not to be a bitch but

**kevinkiller:** H A ARCHIE I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND U DONT HOW DO YOU FEEL ASSFUCKER BITCH

**archiekins:** idc im happier with a best friend anyway

**kevinkiller:** well i dont care because imma rub it in your fuckin face anyhow

**kevinkiller:** [lookatmycuteboyf.jpg]

**bettyboop:** aw thats so gay

**veronica:** Soft Boy™

**juggernaut:** i agree with betty

**archiekins:** shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  


_New text from_ **_veronica_ ** _to_ **_juggernaut_ **

**veronica:** i know this holds -12 meaning but i’m proud of u

**juggernaut:** thanks ?

**veronica:** you’re welcome

**juggernaut:** ugh i hate feelings

**juggernaut:** but yea, thanks, veronica, for helping me figure that shit out

**veronica:** you’re welcome

**juggernaut:** this conversation never happened im deleting it from my texts

**juggernaut:** actually first u should know that you have surpassed the extra from avengers and are now tied with hot dog in my social pyramid

**veronica:** im screenshotting that

**veronica:** monumental

**veronica:** have never been more flattered

**juggernaut:** i take it back

**veronica:** u cant. it’s in my phone forever now

**juggernaut:** ugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn’t NEARLY as funny as y’all expected from me, and it’s also a little rushed, and i’m really sorry about both of those things. but I felt like it was really super important to establish jughead’s aroace-ness, especially because the show is ignoring it - I acknowledged that he’s ace, but there have been a few people who have helped me realize that he’s definitely aro as well, and I didn’t want to misrepresent. so I’m sorry to all the jarchie shippers (myself grudgingly included), but this was the right thing to do.  
> I PROMISE IT’LL BE GOOD FUN HUMOR FROM NOW ON THO COOL? COOL


	10. jeremy jordan stars in Everything Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy Jordan, mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i write this chapter solely because im obsessed with newsies now?? absolutely yes i did. try and stop me  
> also, veronica changed her screen name to icequeen per jughead's suggestion so sorry if that's confusing
> 
> fun fact: i have never seen smash. i had to google jerjor's role and i'm a fake Sorry i want to!! i just keep. forgetting. i have also never seen Rent listen PLEASE LET ME BE IM WORKIN ON IT  
> also, yall let me know what YOUR favorite jeremy jordan role is!!! (mine is jack kelly NATURALLY)

**icequeen:** i am fucking blocking betty from my entire life

**juggernaut:** that's concerning

**kevinkiller:** bitch no u ain't

**bettyboop:** BECAUSE I SAID I DONT THINK JEREMY JORDAN IS ALL THAT

**icequeen:** WE CAN T SPEAK ANYMORE

**bettyboop:** IM A LESBIAN RONNIE IDK WHAT U WANT WITH ME

**icequeen:** A E S T H E T I C A P P R E C I A T I O N

**juggernaut:** who's Jeremy Jordan and why are y'all always fucking talking about niche “”””famous”””” people whose names start with J that I've never heard of

**icequeen:** do u watch smash

**juggernaut:** absolutely not no

**icequeen:** he's Jimmy

**archiekins:** Jughead, Jeremy Jordan is actually like famous

**juggernaut:** why th e FU. Kck would I care

**archiekins:** he's been in so much shit tho????

**archiekins:** good shit though… not like. press shit. like so many ROLES is what i meant

**bettyboop:** archie is so awkward

**icequeen:** everyone name your favorite Jeremy Jordan role

**icequeen:** wait

**icequeen** had added  **catgirl, cherylbombshell, joaquinonsunshine, valerielove, melodie, regsauce** to the chat

**icequeen:** hey everyone we're naming our fave Jeremy Jordan roles

**archiekins:** what the fuck how do you know all of these people

**juggernaut:** uhhhh time to nope the fuck outta here

**juggernaut** has left the chat

**archiekins** has added  **juggernaut** to the chat

**archiekins:** one for all and all for one

**juggernaut:** Reggie’s name is so fuckboy I cant breathe 

**melodie:** where am I

**valerielove:** ?

**catgirl:** please no

**kevinkiller:** a loser chat . Ni ce

**juggernaut:** I'm literally blocking veronica from my life

**icequeen:** we’re naming our favorite Jeremy Jordan roles I need input

**cherylbombshell:** I'm not associating

**valerielove:** who

**juggernaut:** Jimmy from smash

**juggernaut:** I mean

**juggernaut:** F u ck

**kevinkiller:** JUGHEAD WATCHES SMASH

**juggernaut:** I don't watch smash

**juggernaut:** on an unrelated topic,, I want Death™

**valerielove:** oh I love him

**kevinkiller:** melody what does your user Mean

**melodie:** it means die, bitch

**catgirl:** melody is hardcore

**valerielove:** I luv her

**kevinkiller:** Val is so soft

**valerielove:** I'm a badass motherfucker shut the hell your face

**archiekins:** lol I love that vine

**bettyboop:** what vine 

**archiekins:** [shutthehellyourface.mov]

**bettyboop:** wha t is happening

**kevinkiller:** lmao that vine is the Shit

**icequeen:** jughead watches smash and no one can ever tell me he's hardcore ever again

**juggernaut:** veronica I hope u fall in a fuckinmg ditch

**icequeen:** fight me put em up asshole

**juggernaut:** i could take u in like .2 seconds you new york priss

**kevinkiller:** …….ok tru

**kevinkiller:** but i luv u 

**icequeen:** boi thought u were my friend-soulmate

**kevinkiller:** yea & as ur friend-soulmate it/’s my job to be a bitch with the truth 2 u

**bettyboop:** dont listen to him ronnie u could take jughead in a fight

**bettyboop:** literally all u gotta do is punch him once & he’s down. juggie pretends he’s Super Strong but we all know the Truth

**archiekins:** dont punch jughead

**icequeen:** aw thanks babe i knew i could count on u to have my back

**catgirl:** smash is good even though it’s like,,,,,,,a drama

**catgirl:** I Live for the Drama though so

**regsauce:** BITCH

**catgirl:** uh did you just call me bitch?

**regsauce:** wot

**regsauce:** oh no lol BITCH IS THAT GUY THE DUDE FROM SUPERGIRL

**regsauce:** THAT DUDE’S MY FUCKING SHIT

**regsauce:** also smash is gay

**icequeen:** reggie is also gay

**regsauce:** IM NOT GAY WHAT HTE UFCK VERONICA

**icequeen:** okay bb

**bettyboop:** kev

**kevinkiller:** mhm

**bettyboop:** we like……..collectively decided that hes gay right

**kevinkiller:** mmmmhm

**archiekins:** guys dont harass reggie

**cherylbombshell:** wow, archie andrews standing up for someone other than himself? astounding.

**icequeen:** WH A T 

**icequeen:** she roasted u

**archiekins:** WH Y

**joaquinonsunshine:** I was walking the dog, what’s this?

**kevinkiller:** BABE

**kevinkiller:** we’re naming our favorite jeremy jordan roles

**joaquinonsunshine:** Omg I love! Jeremy Jordan!

**joaquinonsunshine:** He was in The Last Five Years and broke my heart

**joaquinonsunshine:** Jamie has a special place in my heart if he wants to hmu

**regsauce:** Gayyyy

**juggernaut:** reggie is promoting an unsafe environment and i’m against it

**valerielove:** reggie is extremely homosexual you’refine

**regsauce:** I  M NOT GAY

**catgirl:** you’re worse than moose

**regsauce:** wHAT ARE THEY EVEN DOING IN THIS CHAT

**regsauce:** i hate jjordan and thats the end of that shit. goodBYE

**melodie:** WAIT  T H A T S JEREMY JORDAN???

**melodie:** i thought i recognized the name

**melodie:** tl5y is my shit???? 

**melodie:** in a hardcore badass way

**valerielove:** mel makes us watch it like once a month

**valerielove:** when shes feelin merciful

**catgirl:** you guys are such girlfriends

**melodie:** yea binch what r u gonna do abt it

**regsauce:** g ay 

**juggernaut:** reggie isnt allowed to say gay until he admits hes gay

**regsauce:** im not gay and jughead isn’t allowed to make the rules, punk

**juggernaut:** yeah i am punk uwu bitch fight me

**kevinkiller:** #yikes

**juggernaut:** rawr xD

**archiekins:** jughead = blockt

**juggernaut:** this isn’t a phase mom it’s the real me

**cherylbombshell:** I hate this chat and everyone in it

**cherylbombshell:** except for Josie, she’s fine

**catgirl:** you know it girl

**bettyboop:** gay

**juggernaut:** noah fence but thats highly homosexual

**archiekins:** this chat is highly homosexual

**regsauce:** except me

**juggernaut:** dont speak

**regsauce:** it’s my right

**juggernaut:** no

**regsauce:** you don’t get to decide my rights 

**juggernaut:** absolutely yes i do

**archiekins:** jughead no

**juggernaut:** jughead yes

**kevinkiller:** jughead maybe

**bettyboop:** jughead only act once you’ve thought your actions and their subsequent consequences through

**icequeen:** jughead fuck everyone else 

**juggernaut:** jughead is overwhelmed

**catgirl:** jughead

**juggernaut:** no

**catgirl:** all i said was jughead

**juggernaut:** that’s correct

**cherylbombshell:** jeremy jordan was jack kelly in newsies and I thought he was brilliant personally

**cherylbombshell:** i don’t expect any of you peasants to have heard of that show

**icequeen:** B O I I FUCKING LOVE NEWSIES

**bettyboop:** mE TOO WHAT

**cherylbombshell:** wh..at..

**catgirl:** ooooh cheryl tell them what you do on friday nights

**cherylbombshell:** seriously josie

**regsauce:** shit dude what do you do on friday nights

**juggernaut:** i’m not sure i want to know

**cherylbombshell:** absolutely not that is personal

**catgirl:** she plays the entire newsies soundtrack and headbangs

**cherylbombshell:**  J O S E P H I N E M C C O Y

**catgirl:** sorry it was out of love

**icequeen:** wait reALLY

**bettyboop:** w h at

**bettyboop:** you are never allowed to tell me to stop singing rent ever again in your LIFE

**cherylbombshell:** yes I can because rent is garbage and newsies is a high-quality broadway musical

**bettyboop:** um excuse me?? rent has a movie

**cherylbombshell:** um excuse me?? so does newsies

**bettyboop:** yeah but the songs are all bad and different and christian bale is like. bad

**cherylbombshell:** um excuse me?? newsies is being professionally released on DVD so fuck off

**bettyboop:** excuse YOU but rent has had a legal recording since 2008 

**bettyboop:** top that

**cherylbombshell:** newsies didn’t even exist until 2012 how is that comparable

**bettyboop:** yeah and it’s 2017 so it took them five years to release it

**cherylbombshell:** are you….are you actually serious……

**cherylbombshell:** rent opened in 1998

**cherylbombshell:** THAT’S TWELVE FUCKING YEARS DO YOU WANNA GO??

**melodie:** whoop she’s got u there

**bettyboop:** okay by the WAY I never said rent is BETTER than newsies it’s a whole different ballpark i’m just SAYING you should LET ME SING IT

**cherylbombshell:** not a chance, not on my team

**cherylbombshell:** I swear to god betty if you sing rent one more  time during vixens practice i will kick you off the team

**regsauce:** this is getting so heated

**juggernaut** has removed  **regsauce** from the chat

**juggernaut:** we didnt need him here

**kevinkiller:** savage

**kevinkiller:** also how about cheryl you just let betty sing a different musical

**cherylbombshell:** no

**icequeen:** sorry but uhh yes

**catgirl:** cheryl don’t stifle her musically inclined side

**cherylbombshell:** why not

**valerielove:** don’t be a bitch cheryl

**cherylbombshell:** have you literally ever met me

**icequeen:** lol same high five 

**cherylbombshell:** no

**bettyboop:** how about wicked

**bettyboop:** or are you arbitrarily opposed to that too

**cherylbombshell:** … fine, wicked is allowed, WITHIN REASON

**bettyboop:** excellent. so veronica next time someone falls and we catch her can we please sing defying gravity

**cherylbombshell:** i’m  swear to god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one time jughead was sick so he binged all of smash in one day and then wrote a fanfiction about it which he downloaded onto a hard drive before deleting off his computer so that no one would ever know it existed but trust me...it exists  
> 
> 
> cheryl totally headbangs to The World Will Know and she has a choreographed dance to That's Rich it's her anthem  
> 
> 
> this is a bit short but the next one will be longer i think i just really wanted to get all the People involved

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading I don't have an update schedule but hopefully i'll keep this going. anyhow you can find me on tumblr [@aceriverdale](http://aceriverdale.tumblr.com/) or [@vivilevone](http://vivilevone.tumblr.com/) and i'll see you all soon


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